Monday, 30 May 2011

Moving backwards to move forward?

I have been reflecting on my last number of posts & thinking about how there are more falling apart posts then posts about hope, gratitude & moving forward.  The thing is, I wonder if by falling apart, if by having the emotions rush uncontrollably, if sinking rather than swimming is moving forward.  The shock wore off a while back, but maybe my mind simply repressed my ability to really experience my grief.  I have struggled to access the tears, often feeling like a heartless bitch, that I can't even cry for my own son.  Maybe my mind has unlocked this part & I am moving forward by being able to move back.  Back to the depth of despair, back to feeling breathless, back to head swimming, back to public displays of emotion but forward to facing reality- as I cringe writing it b/c I am certainly not feeling ready nor wanting it to be reality.  Shitty reality - and the anger comes again...

I hate this journey.

1 comment:

  1. Boy, I hate it too, Caroline and I hear every word you are saying. I remember feeling completely and totally unprepared to deal with the emotions that seemed to smack me in the face once the shock had worn off. I often remark that had the the shock not been present to protect my heart and soul, I simply would not have made it to where I am today. Shock has a funny way of holding our spirit close until we are a bit further along. I think you're right... moving backwards to move forwards...perfectly said. Perfectly sucky, but perfectly said for where you are. Love you