Sunday, 29 May 2011

whack job

Seems I'm a little sensitive these days...

Our family has a Sunday tradition, after breakfast we head to the local mall where there is a wonderful in-door play park (which is heaven in the winter & recently with all the rain we've been having).  This morning was not unlike the others, we headed over & our earth angel played full of joy, enjoying every second.  We've been so often that we now recognize many parents & children who seemingly have similar traditions.  This morning there were some new faces...this morning there was a woman with her husband and son, pregnant & looking like what I imagine I would if James was still with us.  This morning my heart broke, this morning I held it together just barely as I supervised my earth angel while he played.  When my husband came to relieve me, I barely had one shoe on before I couldn't hold it in any longer & was a broken down, sobbing mess in the middle of the mall.  I secluded myself in the family washroom where I could close the door behind me & slide down the door crouching & sobbing.

This felt familiar, like the first or second week after James died - I wept  until I was worried that my husband might be worried & then I tried to collect myself & headed back out - red eyes, face - obviously crying.  The people must have thought - what a whack job - crying at the children's play park...if only they knew...

I'm starting to wonder when I'm going to regain my sanity.  Seems this struggle is getting harder with each passing day.

Overflowing with love & longing for you my beautiful boy - Mommy xoxoxo

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