The hospital where James was born is hosting an event called "Remembering lost angels" tonight. I think that this is incredibly touching to see, a medical institution honouring the souls of those lost & trying to help in the healing of those left behind. Yet one more surprise to add to this list of kindnesses that are unexpected.
I am also beyond terrified of returning the hospital, the last time I was there (my follow up appointment) I couldn't control my emotions, my pain so deep I & sadness so overwhelming it still haunts me. I have tried to reassure myself, we won't be in the same area with the hope that somehow that helps - but if I'm being honest, even the thought of returning there makes me want to cry.
A friend & mentor in my journey will be there - she, I just learned will be speaking & more exciting we'll meet in person for the first time. I am harnessing all of this excitement to push me forward when my pain & fear make me want to hold back. I want to honour my son, I want to honour the other lost sons & daughters, I want nothing to hold me back. But I am afraid of the emotions, I don't want to hurt like that again.
Realizing this will be a hard day & likely tomorrow too - going to try and be kind & gentle with myself today. I also just (and had to add this after originally posting rather then starting a totally new post) realized that today is 4 months exactly since we lost James, 4 months exactly since I was in that hospital, on that floor, in that room - today is going to be harder then I originally thought. Needing all the strength I can muster today.
Always remembering & hoping to honour you tonight James. Love ,Mommy.
*tears* looking forward to meeting you tonight for a real hug.
ReplyDeleteI remember all too well returning the scene.... heartwrenching, but I'm hoping the dedication of tonight may help, if only a little.