Today is a hard day, not sure why -maybe the dreary weather, maybe allergies making me feel extra heavy, maybe more firsts weighing on me.
Saw some friends for the first time since James died today & I found myself searching for the natural connection I have always felt & banter that has gone back & forth. It was missing today, I hope they will be patient with me, I love them so, but found some of our conversations like little stabs in my soul. Here's my internal dialogue as I waited for it all to end: Eyes down & hold it together, catch your breath & breath in & out. Bathroom break to be alone, take my mask off for a moment then screw it back on & start all over again. What a terrible thing, to have to pretend.
A few days back, I thought someone I had been following through blogger who lives half a world away was going to harm herself. I tried everything I could to reach out, connect with people who might know her to try and save her & in the end, she was fine. I remember thinking that I didn't join this community to watch someone die. Despite working with people as part of my professional life who struggle with these issues daily, this one felt very personal. It's like, I am afraid of so many things & now I'm afraid of making connections with others only to lose them. This incident has reminded me of how totally powerless we are in this life & that feeling reminds me of how I felt right after James died.
I guess I had under estimated the connections I have felt with all those out there regardless of the physical distance. So many have helped me & so many give me hope. To feel like I almost lost one, terrifies me.
James I miss you. Please ask the angels of mommy's who need them to keep them safe. I need to feel you near, it feels like it's been too long -please won't you come visit me in my dreams - hold my hand for a minute and smile for me? Needing you tonight my angel.