What a day - you know it's rough when you have 2 entries in one day...

Today was a day of celebration for a first cousin of mine -a bridal shower.  I have thought back to those days, when things were idealistic, bright for the future & romantic.  How I wish I could still live in the innocence of those days.  I am thrilled for her but can't help but wonder what life will hold for her.  Lord knows this would never have seemed possible to me back then.

From the moment I got out of bed, all odds seemed stocked against me - nothing I did seemed to end in anything but disaster.   I finally made it to the shower but I knew then that I could only barely put on a happy face, today was foggy day with my grief very close to the surface.  I managed to hold the heavy grief in but found it hard to muster a smile at all times.  I'm sure people wondered "what's wrong with her?".

I was asked the how many children question but my grandmother - who doesn't know anything about James b/c of her age & not wanting to cause her any pain was right there & I didn't want to try my pilot reply with her there.  So I said out loud - 1 child & in my mind & heart said - here on earth & one in heaven.

I'm tired, frustrated & sad tonight.  No celebration will ever be the same  - sigh. 

Heavy hearted without you tonight angel. xoxoxox Mommy