Saturday, 10 September 2011

Seems everywhere we go there is a child, or a character or some reference to the name James.  Each time I hear the word I feel a little prick in my chest, a slight inhale & then a wish that things were different.  I have found that all I can do is accept b/c what are my alternatives - run away, go cry, be angry?  I want to do all the above, but mostly it's just not reality & no way to live.

Somewhere deep inside I am hopeful that the recent bombarding of James is my angel sending us little signs to let us know he's with us.  It seems that the increase in "James" encounters really ramped up around Jev's birthday & has continued while we were away on vacation.  I know I thought often of him & wondered about what things would be like if he were still with us.  Isn't this the every day thought of the parent who's child has died? 

Jev has also made the leap from crib to toddler bed.  One more departure from his baby days & one more reminder that our baby is missing.  I have also given much thought to how I wish to answer the ongoing questions about how many children we have.  I haven't landed yet exactly but I think I'm going to try and answer 2 & if questioned just try and be honest.  I'm sure there will be a few shocked people but I'm starting to lose my care for others discomfort in what is my reality.

We have also decided that we are ready to try again.  There I've said it - I have felt like I am carrying a horrible secret, mostly b/c I'm afraid of all the possibilities.  I think I'm going to try and be open about this in the hopes that by being able to vent and not hide that my anxieties will be lessened.  I'd be open to any pearls of wisdom on this one b/c I am also aware that by having access to vent, I could escalate my anxieties rather then soothe them...

Missing you constantly my angel xoxoxoxxoxo  Mommy

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