Last week someone asked me for the first time about my cremation lockette. I had convinced myself that no one would, since it's been close to 7 months since I've had it. I was momentarily paralized, I have thought many times how I would answer if questioned & then there it was & like all the other firsts I froze.
The setting was awkward, across the table in a work meeting that was about to begin & being chaired by myself. It seemed like when the question was asked the whole room fell into a hush & the way it was asked took me by surprise; "What is that?" as she motioned clearly to my neclace & pendent. I panicked a bit, I think I may have even stuttered at first, a million thing rushing through my mind - what do I say? how should I answer? do I want to share this with all these people? Is it professional? - then my answer; "It's a pendant".
I've been somewhat tormented since, thought about approaching the person when I see her next and telling the truth & rationale for not sharing. Then I think about something that was talked about in group, that's it's our choice to share our story, not everyone has the right to know & that we can choose. I also think about the inside voice in my head & heart that screams the truth everytime I'm in one of these situations & feel a little prick of hope that James hears my heart louder then my head anyway.
More baby dreams last night, not as clear but clearly baby dreams. Sigh.
Missing you angel all the time & hoping you are near. Love Mommy xoxoxoxxo