What a difference 1 year can make. Yesterday was Jev's 2nd birthday & although it was a wonderfully special day, i couldn't help but thinking about how different everything felt from last year. I was so naive last year, unprepared for what was to come.
Here's a picture of the birthday boy chowing down on pizza:
Here's a picture of the two of us:
Our day started with a special trip to the play park where I watched my little big boy play, run, scream with joy. I watched him watching other sibling pairs & try and join in. I felt my heart break, knowing his brother should be here with us & be able to have the sibling banter that he was trying to imitate. I had watched Jev playing with an imaginary friend the week before, speaking to someone, offering them a plate as he played in his play house in the backyard. I remember feeling heavy & wishing he didn't have to pretend. Now it occurs to me as I write this that maybe it wasn't pretend, maybe he was playing with his brother. I've heard that kids are much more sensitive to spirits. How I hope this is the case.
I realized yesterday that with every moment of celebration there was the feeling that something was missing, make that someone.
My gratitude for Jev is also laced with a growing void for where James ought to be. How terrible I remember thinking that even the celebrations are clouded with grieving. I know the "firsts" are always the hardest, but I am still bothered by how the grief creeps in - especially in the happy moments.
My fear has also ramped up recently, i find myself putting Jev to sleep for the night & taking a physical and mental pictures b/c I am afraid he might not wake the next morning. Every morning, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear him & take an extra second to hold him b/c I am never sure I'll have the chance again. What a terrible way to live.
My earth angel is 2 & I am so very lucky to have him with us. He is the joy in my life & for that, especially after losing James being afraid of losing him is normal I'm sure.
James, we kept a cupcake for you angel. We miss you constantly.