What a day - you know it's rough when you have 2 entries in one day...
Today was a day of celebration for a first cousin of mine -a bridal shower. I have thought back to those days, when things were idealistic, bright for the future & romantic. How I wish I could still live in the innocence of those days. I am thrilled for her but can't help but wonder what life will hold for her. Lord knows this would never have seemed possible to me back then.
From the moment I got out of bed, all odds seemed stocked against me - nothing I did seemed to end in anything but disaster. I finally made it to the shower but I knew then that I could only barely put on a happy face, today was foggy day with my grief very close to the surface. I managed to hold the heavy grief in but found it hard to muster a smile at all times. I'm sure people wondered "what's wrong with her?".
I was asked the how many children question but my grandmother - who doesn't know anything about James b/c of her age & not wanting to cause her any pain was right there & I didn't want to try my pilot reply with her there. So I said out loud - 1 child & in my mind & heart said - here on earth & one in heaven.
I'm tired, frustrated & sad tonight. No celebration will ever be the same - sigh.
Heavy hearted without you tonight angel. xoxoxox Mommy