Monday, 19 September 2011

2 lines

On Saturday there were 2 lines in stead of 1.  I was surprised - I spent the last month fully convinced it wasn't going to happen.  I am very excited & frightened to death all at the same time.  Now let me take a moment to acknowledge how early & premature any planning or expectations are but I feel James' essence in this news. 

I had a dream last night, I was giving birth at the hospital & the next thing I know I am home with no memory of what happened next.  My parents tell me I delivered a baby girl, I still have no recollection although in my dream I try desperately to remember.  Mike is no where to be found & my dream continues & eventually ends without me seeing my child.  I think, as I reflect on things that this is my anxiety talking & I know there will be much more to come. 

I have also decided to take a class with Mike to devote some time to nurturing our relationship, it has come a very long way & we have re-connected in the last few months since James' should have been delivery date.  I just want do my part to make sure we stay that way.  The kicker is that these classes (Ballroom dancing - yay!) fall on the same nights as the bereavement group.  I have felt it missing (I missed last class) but I remind myself that as much as I need the release, I have some strong relationships, my blog & I can always return when it's over.  I know I can reach out if I need it - just come to look forward to my safe place in the group.  I have felt valued, understood, safe & helpful to others there.  I have been reassured I've come a long way & have further to go.  I have made friends & felt love there.  I will miss it - for now. 

Feeling you near James & hoping you will hold Mommy's hand through the scary times ahead.



  1. That is WONDERFUL news, despite how scary it must be - wishing you the absolute very best, and keeping everything crossed for you!!! Try to focus on the experience you had with Jev, where everything turned out perfectly, and let's pray/wish/hope for a repeat performance. Keep us posted!!!



  2. OMG! I am writing you now.....!!