What if despite everything you decided that you would try and stay focused to be sure you lived up to be the "best" mom you possibly could be, for your child here on this earth and the one in heaven. What if you struggled but knew that nothing this important comes easily or without moments of doubt. What if despite all your best efforts, you didnt' listen to yourself when it really mattered & something preventable happened? What if now you are a failure, what if now, trying, pushing on, having faith is all for nothing b/c you know you can't/won't be able to do it.
I have felt over the years that I am cursed, so many trials, so many obsticles to overcome but hopeful that there will be a change in luck, or that it would pay off some day. If I am cursed, I never believed I could pass it onto my kids - that is one thing I cant' live with. I draw the line at my children - I am not a religious person for exactly this reason, how can children suffer like this without any good reason? How can the unfairness of life spoil the innocence of childhood. No good reason, no sense.
My deepest regrets go out to my children for letting them down & failing when it was my time to come through.
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ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you feel this way. I also, even though I am a Christian, have moments when I feel like I let my little Caleb down.
ReplyDeleteI could not explain it any better than this woman did on her blog when she was describing pain that sometimes we bring about as earthly parents on our children for their own safety, comparing it to the pain that our Heavenly Father allows in our lives to an "ends" that we cannot even fathom as people living on earth. Not until we get to Heaven will we know the reason for our trials here on earth.
http://aftereva.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-have-been-spending-some-time-re.html
Not until our children get to be older (those of ours that are still living) will they understand some of the pain that we have to allow in their lives in order to protect them from bigger dangers.
My Caleb is in a much better place now and I will join him when it is my time to go.
The things that I was talking about in that woman's blog post and the pain that we allow as parents in our child's life have nothing to do with losing our children...I was comparing it (immunizations, for example) to the way that I believe God allows trials in our lives, including the loss of our babies for bigger purposes.
With love and Hope,
Cheryl