I've had some time to really mull over my post from yesterday. The sentiments of my post are still true and I realize that it is one of my more raw & dark posts - of recent anyhow. In recent months I've blogged about how my posts seem to lack hope & worried openly about what this means about my journey. I think that especially over the last 24 hours I've come to realize it's not that I lack hope but rather that I hide my hope, even from myself. All the little whispers that allow me to carry on - I keep them close, maybe even deny they are there. I feel that there is so much unknown, including this 3rd child who is yet to be born, that I am afraid to be hopeful b/c I do feel cursed and/or that Murphy's law will rear it's ugly head like it always does and I'll have to start from scratch, again.
I recognize however, that I could never have carried on, made it this far, chosen to try to bring another child into this world if I didn't hold onto hope. I just hold it close and keep it quiet & then when things go wrong I feel an overwhelming sense of loss of control (that dredded feeling), disappointment in myself, anger at life & grief for all the "should" haves and my still tender heart which misses James. This blog as much I need it to be about hope, is also about a safe place to openly vent my grievances with life's never ending twists and turns & the hope that anyone who reads it, still knows the light of hope - mostly that I will see my precious angel James again some day - flickers, all be it dimly some days.
I want to thank Cheryl for your comment, reading the other mom's blog was very humbling & opened a new door in my mind. While I'm not sure where my rift with god will lead me, the post itself was inspiring and I feel it helped me refocus, take a breath & get some perspective back. I am completly grateful that you took the time to comment & link me to some fresh perspective, on a day when I felt lost & without purpose.
James - missing you and hoping that although I make mistakes, that I can still make you proud.