As I think about our most recent nuit blanche I can't help but reflect on all the things that have happened since 2012 began. I realize of course that things didn't exclusively begin in 2012 but rather everything that has happened since the new year has been painted various shades of colour as a result of the "new" normal we live everyday.
I work with people everyday, people who live in impossible situations, people who have to shift their lives, way of thinking just to cope from moment to moment. What I often see is that these people will often fall into a pattern of moving from one crisis to the other, crisis that they themselves create b/c they don't know how to live any other way. These clients are among the most draining - but you are always reminded to be grateful for not having to live a day in their shoes.
For me, I am wondering if I am slowly becoming one of them...I feel like I have lived in a constant state of anxiety and moved from crisis to crisis since Jan 1. I wonder if resilience, which is often assumed to be innate, can exceed it's capacity & backfire creating a state of constant anxiety & need for crisis. I have had some dark thoughts, I live in anticipation of the next "thing" going wrong. I don't feel myself, I am irritable, emotional and anxious all the time. My midwife is concerned I am having prenatal anxiety.
I try and explain it this way, imagine, your only surviving child is sick constantly, not just a little bit sick but very sick. Now imagine your worst fear being that this child will die too - and each time you try and convince yourself maybe it'll just be a cold this time, it's not and the doctors no matter how many you see can't make him feel better. Imagine your child having a seizure in your arms, imagine your child struggling for breath, imagine your child crying for relief that you can't provide them. Now imagine your second child died and you miss him but can't access him b/c your every waking thought is your oldest will die too & that you won't be able to go on. Add if you can, the responsibility of carrying a 3rd unborn child whose safe entry into this world depends completely on you. Maybe add some sleep deprivation in there, financial pressures, work pressures, husband with a medical condition of his own with complications and ask yourself - would you feel anxious?
A long winded way to ask, am I really dong so badly? Would anyone else feel anything other then anxiety, emotional, frustrated and stressed?
My only lingering thought comes from the research I did on prenatal anxiety - babies born to moms with prenatal anxiety are more likely to be sick & require medications and/or have a higher risk of ADD/ADHD. Oy - talk about anxiety provoking! I can't help but wonder when this ripple effect stops? What can I be doing to make things better for everyone? Is this the common plight for those fortunate enough to experience pregnancy after loss? Or is this is just the ramblings of another white night?