What if despite everything you decided that you would try and stay focused to be sure you lived up to be the "best" mom you possibly could be, for your child here on this earth and the one in heaven. What if you struggled but knew that nothing this important comes easily or without moments of doubt. What if despite all your best efforts, you didnt' listen to yourself when it really mattered & something preventable happened? What if now you are a failure, what if now, trying, pushing on, having faith is all for nothing b/c you know you can't/won't be able to do it.
I have felt over the years that I am cursed, so many trials, so many obsticles to overcome but hopeful that there will be a change in luck, or that it would pay off some day. If I am cursed, I never believed I could pass it onto my kids - that is one thing I cant' live with. I draw the line at my children - I am not a religious person for exactly this reason, how can children suffer like this without any good reason? How can the unfairness of life spoil the innocence of childhood. No good reason, no sense.
My deepest regrets go out to my children for letting them down & failing when it was my time to come through.