Last few days have been strange, it's almost as if I have been transported back to the first few weeks where the memory reel seems to be playing over & over. I seem to be transported back to certain moments without an antecedent, just poof & I'm there. The difference is, now I seem to just be re living things, no emotion, just transported back & far away. I wonder if the emotion will hit me eventually again or if this time warp will just replay as if for me to watch in an effort to never forget...not that I believe I ever could.
Today I confronted someone I thought was a good friend but turned out to actually be an acquaintance. I have learned some people are so uncomfortable with my grief that they have abandoned our friendship while others have a found a way to put the discomfort aside long enough to show their support. I have landed in the place where I acknowledge that both reactions are fine, hurtful but fine, one just demonstrates that we were not the kind of friends that I thought we were. A terrible realization to make when things seem to be at their worse. Another loss to feel when you feel like you've lost enough - but a lesson all the same. For those in the latter category, I am angry as hell, for those in the former I can only hope I never have to return the exact favour but am grateful beyond words & hope I can return their kindness.
Something else I've reflected in the past few days are the incredible acts of kindness I've experienced. In the same way I never experienced such depth of pain, I have never known such intense kindness. I think my faith in people - strangers mostly - is slightly restored. I had given up on the better side of humanity for some time but i think I just wasn't looking in the right places. It does sadden me that it takes the loss of my child to open this up but take some comfort in knowing that people have genuinely opened their hearts to me when they didn't have to & that when I am able, hopefully I can pay it forward.
Still broken, lost, angry, but also peaceful tonight.