Sunday, 27 February 2011

Time warps & rambles

Last few days have been strange, it's almost as if I have been transported back to the first few weeks where the memory reel seems to be playing over & over.  I seem to be transported back to certain moments without an antecedent, just poof & I'm there.  The difference is, now I seem to just be re living things, no emotion, just transported back & far away.  I wonder if the emotion will hit me eventually again or if this time warp will just replay as if for me to watch in an effort to never forget...not that I believe I ever could.

Today I confronted someone I thought was a good friend but turned out to actually be an acquaintance.  I have learned some people are so uncomfortable with my grief that they have abandoned our friendship while others have a found a way to put the discomfort aside long enough to show their support.  I have landed in the place where I acknowledge that both reactions are fine, hurtful but fine, one just demonstrates that we were not the kind of friends that I thought we were.  A terrible realization to make when things seem to be at their worse.  Another loss to feel when you feel like you've lost enough - but a lesson all the same. For those in the latter category, I am angry as hell, for those in the former I can only hope I never have to return the exact favour but am grateful beyond words & hope I can return their kindness.

Something else I've reflected in the past few days are the incredible acts of kindness I've experienced.  In the same way I never experienced such depth of pain, I have never known such intense kindness.  I think my faith in people - strangers mostly - is slightly restored.  I had given up on the better side of humanity for some time but i think I just wasn't looking in the right places.  It does sadden me that it takes the loss of my child to open this up but take some comfort in knowing that people have genuinely opened their hearts to me when they didn't have to & that when I am able, hopefully I can pay it forward.

Still broken, lost, angry, but also peaceful tonight.

1 comment:

  1. Caroline,
    I wanted to say hello and send you a big hug. I am a good friend of Lea's and I found your blog through hers.

    We lost our son Jackson in 2008 when my water broke at 22 weeks. I also had a 6 week loss and an 8 week loss.

    Reading your blog is like I could have written it myself - I remember the pain, I remember the anger. I still have those feelings now, but over time they do soften. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss, and I also wanted you to know that blogging really helped me. You are right, people are uncomfortable with grief, and until you have been through this they have no idea. They say and do stupid things - b/c they have no idea of how raw and painful it is to lose your child. I have met some amazing BLM's on here who have helped me more than even my best friends.

    I just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and I am here if you ever need anything. My email is if you wanted to send an email. No pressure, just another outlet for venting! Take care of yourself. Sending a huge hug xx ~ Linda