Today is a bad day.
I had to return to the scene of the crime today - back to the hospital for my 6 wk check up & just like everything else in this horror show of an experience, it was nothing like I imagined it. The tears started on my drive down, kept coming on my way down the hallway to the elevators, on the ride up, by the payphone as I tried to let it out so I could be composed when I went into the clinic area, on my way to the clinic area, in the consult room, after blood was drawn & on & on & on.
Bad day seemed like an understatment - like everything else words can't capture the essence of this special hell, but I had to come up with something to say when people asked. One nurse asked if I was lost - the clinic is located on the same floor as the maternity & birthing unit - so obviously there was no room for tears of pain & grief in this bright & hopeful place. The thing is, I am lost - I just pretend most of the time to navigate this world in the ways that make others comfortable.
The OB finally arrived - she said a whole string of things & then she said THE thing & lifted a wieght off my shoulders. She said "I wouldn't call what happened a miscarriage, it was a case of Intra uterine demise..." What's in a name? The freedom of knowing that you & now everyone else will now know you were not to blame, that you didn't do anything wrong, that I DID NOT miscarry anything! Our baby died & I had to deliver him and it is in not insignficant or just a miscarriage!
The OB was compassionate, she spoke as a physician & mom & treated me with dignity, not a over reacting nutcase, not a fragile shell best left alone, as a woman grieving the worst possible kind of loss. To the hospital & staff, I will always be grateful - such kindness I never could have expected from strangers - but in this strange reality it seems the most incredible acts of kindness have come from strangers - in the most unexpected ways.
I have reflected on what i wrote yesterday about being broken & i think it's the perfect description paired with the nurses reflection today - broken & lost. I miss my child, I feel like I'm failing as a mom, unable to keep up the cherade the world expects indefinitely but I just try and keep telling myself today is a bad day.