Monday, 21 February 2011

Coming home isn't suppose to be then end ...

I've heard it said that journaling is therapeutic - helps makes the unspoken tangible, a safe way to pour things out - without judgement.  Up until now - I've haven't felt ready but here goes nothing.

Today is the day that my son James comes home.  Today is also family day where we live and that irony sits bitterly with me.  James is joining our family only not in the way any of us could have imagined. 

The last month has been the worst in my lifetime, I have lived the most unimaginable pain, confusion, loss of purpose, loss of compassion - my child died.  The person I built my whole life being also died that day. 

I am both filled with terror & longing to have him home.  Having James home means things have come full circle and yet I feel empty, helpless, alone, abandoned.  James is invisible & so am I.  I am left with a shell to re-work, re-design & try and re-establish a purpose in this ridiculous life. 

All this sadness in juxtaposition with the utter joy of my other son Jeven - the literal light of my life.  His face is purity of joy & innocence.  How to be his adoring mom & mourn the loss of being a mom to James. 

I've heard it said by others who have had similar losses that they have lived the worst that can happen - I can't say that - losing Jeven is the worst thing could happen to me now & I have nightmares - sleep has the left the building & it only sends dreams as postcards to my most intense fears.

My James is coming home & I am too broken to go & pick him up, another failure in my being his mom.  I couldn't bring him into this world happy & healthy, can't watch him grow, never feel him snuggle in for comfort & love.  Only love him from a distance & hope he sees invisible me b/c I will never forget him or his life invisible.

1 comment:

  1. You arent a failure... Not one bit.

    Thinking of you and sending loving thoughts.