Wednesday, 2 March 2011

A strike of lightening

I met with someone from a bereavement agency today, I found it helpful while I was there, was even moved to tears at some points.  I headed home with a list of things that I could do to actively be a participant in my own grief, I was feeling more in control.  I got home & just like a ton of bricks it slammed me, back to reality & back to being completely out of control without time to do any of the things I wanted to do, and feeling alone.

Now, I am angry again.  It seems these days it's always something - if I'm not angry, my husband is, if one of us is feeling well, the other is feeling sick and right when I'm on the verge of a release of grief , anger, pain there is an interruption & it all gets lost & I'm alone again. 

The counsellor suggested I write a list of things I am angry about.  Here goes:

I'm angry with my parents for allowing me to be invisible all my life
I'm angry with my body for failing me
I'm angry with this life for not including James in it
I'm angry because James died
I'm angry because he was born too early
I'm angry with having to go back to work
I'm angry with my clients for needing me when it is me that's needs something or someone
I'm angry for having to suffer in silence
I'm angry for having to pretend
I'm angry for having to force myself to do everything
I'm angry because no one notices how lost & broken I am
I'm angry for having to make the world feel comfortable when I cringe every minute of the day
I'm angry for the lost hopes & dreams
I'm angry for the missed milestones
I'm angry with family for acting like it didn't happen
I'm angry for the stupid things people say
I'm angry with friends for protecting themselves & avoiding us b/c it's uncomfortable
I'm angry with friends for thinking it's over b/c time has passed
I'm angry with losing myself
I'm angry for feeling like I dont' have the guts to carry on
I'm angry I had to walk away
I'm angry that I had to say goodbye
I'm angry for all the interruptions
I'm angry for not being able to feel sad all the time
I'm angry for being afraid
I'm angry for realizing I have to start all over again
I'm angry for watching others not cherish every moment, milestone, miracle
I'm angry for not being able to talk about it every second of the day
I'm angry for not having brought the camera & taken pictures
I'm angry for not having more then ultra sound pictures to remember him by
I'm angry the hospital didn't give us his foot prints
I'm angry for others expecting me to feel sorry or comfort them for the most insignificant inconveniences in life
I'm angry for life carrying on
I'm angry for feeling relationships changing
I'm angry b/c people don't understand
I'm angry b/c I'm tired
I'm angry for not being able to sleep
I'm angry for being angry.

I fear this list could go on forever - the summary of the list - I'm angry.

I feel like I'm alone in this world with this burden, this anger.  I try and take moments to look at my surviving son & embrace his essence which is pure joy & that helps.  I worry I have traumatized him, haven't supported his grieving, that he has also been changed for the worse b/c of my being broken & lost.

A strike of lightening - that's what the OB likened what happened to James. Frankly, I feel like I've been struck by lightening - electrocuted - like it passed straight through me & left nothing but a path of destruction, like I have severe burns to 100% of my sense of self & will to go on, like I'm smoking with anger & smell like burnt flesh since everyone seems to be so uncomfortable & taking their distance.  They say lightening doesn't strike the same place twice - who cares if you've been struck once isn't that enough?!


  1. Oh honey... It is. It totally is.

    Big hugs.

  2. My first son only lived 2 days. When I started seeing a counselor, she recommended the same thing. My list was pages long but I felt so much better when I wrote them down. Thanks for sharing yours.