Thursday, 3 March 2011

Flight risk

Today started like all the others this week, busy with unexpected situations cropping up at work & capturing my full attention.  I focused, planned, strategized & as I waited to consult I had a moment to sit & the world around came back to life.  Life was happening all around me including a conversation about my coworker finding out she was having a baby girl.  She is 1 month behind where I would be if James hadn't died & over hearing her conversation set me off like a caged animal.  My flight response kicked in & before i new it I was on my feet & walking, desperately looking for someone where to go, to go where I didn't have to hear all the giggles, & squeals of delight, about how excited she & her husband were, how it looked on the ultrasound pictures - hear the hopes & dreams I am devastated to be without.

I bumped into a coworker who is aware & could tell something was wrong & as I tried to explain what I was trying to do, I lost control & started to cry.  She brought me into her office, closed the door & handed me a Kleenex.  I know she's also experienced a significant loss but hasn't shared her story yet - I think she may have lost her spouse - but that's just trying to put pieces of info together.  She was patient & kind, sat next to me without touching me or interrupting my emotion - but I couldn't allow myself to let it all out - I sucked it all back in & told her I was going to for a walk.  She offered to join me & I thanked her but went on my own & started to walk & never wanted to go back.  But like everything else in this shitty situation, it doesn't matter what I want, I have to do exactly what I don't want. 

The rest of the day was filled with anxiety about what conversation I was going to overhear, wanting to be anywhere but there & feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  It got so bad I wanted to quit my job - just anything to get out & be able to never have to come back. 

I want to call in sick tomorrow - I'm seriously considering it but also know that tomorrow I probably will go in anyway.  I feel I can't stop, if I stop I am afraid I will undo some healing, regress into complete despair - but I feel like I need it.  Be kind to yourself, be gentle - I'm trying but I also don't know if I deserve it.  I know days like today will happen again, but I feel less competent everyday - i can't handle a busy work pace, I cant' handle others conversations, I can't handle my sadness, i can't handle much- I don't know what I want to do with myself, my time anymore.

what I do know is I don't want to do anything & that's not an option - standing still, being alone - it's just not an option.  I wanted to have my son in my life, that wasn't an option, I wanted to watch him achieve his milestones, not an option, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, smell him, not an option, I wanted my son to have a brother to play with, have sibling rivalry with, build memories with - not an option. 

So another bad day for the books but this one feels like it set me back, back to the place where I feel disabled in my grief & maybe even closer to losing more b/c I can't bury it and its making me impulsive, desperate, a flight risk.  maybe i just need an escape route - maybe I just need James.


  1. Oh honey... Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Being gentle with yourself, as hard as it is, is something you truly deserve... Sending hugs...

  2. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone to work through your grief. I was alone a lot during the days following the death of my son. I used to hang a sign on my door to tell people that I was resting and to come back another time. As long as you don't get severely depressed and stay "there" for a long time. Grief takes time and you should never feel badly if you choose to be alone.

    I did end up making goals for myself...My son died at 17 months of age, so I would visit the places that we used to go together all of the bank, grocery store, pharmacy, bible study, etc. After a couple of months I had faced all of my fears and the second time doing those things was a bit easier.

    Everyone's grief journey is different and what might feel good for me, is not what is good for you and vice versa.

    Sometimes I have felt like I have gone backwards in my grief, but because it has been 2 1/2 years since my son has died I recognize that it is a temporary setback, as this has happened will get "softer" again.

    With love and Hope,

  3. First of all, I think it's amazing that you can even put your feelings into words - your list in a previous post of why you're angry was so very well expressed. I hope it helped to give voice to it.

    Second of all, I can't imagine how anyone could expect you to just got back to work and "the way things were before", when clearly nothing is the same. Is there anyway you can take a leave of absence for a few months? I know that eventually you would have to go back, and you'd still be faced with similar situations, but maybe it would help if you had a bit more space between now and then, and some more time to carve a new path?

    My thoughts are with you both - I'm thinking about you often.