Today started like all the others this week, busy with unexpected situations cropping up at work & capturing my full attention. I focused, planned, strategized & as I waited to consult I had a moment to sit & the world around came back to life. Life was happening all around me including a conversation about my coworker finding out she was having a baby girl. She is 1 month behind where I would be if James hadn't died & over hearing her conversation set me off like a caged animal. My flight response kicked in & before i new it I was on my feet & walking, desperately looking for someone where to go, to go where I didn't have to hear all the giggles, & squeals of delight, about how excited she & her husband were, how it looked on the ultrasound pictures - hear the hopes & dreams I am devastated to be without.
I bumped into a coworker who is aware & could tell something was wrong & as I tried to explain what I was trying to do, I lost control & started to cry. She brought me into her office, closed the door & handed me a Kleenex. I know she's also experienced a significant loss but hasn't shared her story yet - I think she may have lost her spouse - but that's just trying to put pieces of info together. She was patient & kind, sat next to me without touching me or interrupting my emotion - but I couldn't allow myself to let it all out - I sucked it all back in & told her I was going to for a walk. She offered to join me & I thanked her but went on my own & started to walk & never wanted to go back. But like everything else in this shitty situation, it doesn't matter what I want, I have to do exactly what I don't want.
The rest of the day was filled with anxiety about what conversation I was going to overhear, wanting to be anywhere but there & feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. It got so bad I wanted to quit my job - just anything to get out & be able to never have to come back.
I want to call in sick tomorrow - I'm seriously considering it but also know that tomorrow I probably will go in anyway. I feel I can't stop, if I stop I am afraid I will undo some healing, regress into complete despair - but I feel like I need it. Be kind to yourself, be gentle - I'm trying but I also don't know if I deserve it. I know days like today will happen again, but I feel less competent everyday - i can't handle a busy work pace, I cant' handle others conversations, I can't handle my sadness, i can't handle much- I don't know what I want to do with myself, my time anymore.
what I do know is I don't want to do anything & that's not an option - standing still, being alone - it's just not an option. I wanted to have my son in my life, that wasn't an option, I wanted to watch him achieve his milestones, not an option, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, smell him, not an option, I wanted my son to have a brother to play with, have sibling rivalry with, build memories with - not an option.
So another bad day for the books but this one feels like it set me back, back to the place where I feel disabled in my grief & maybe even closer to losing more b/c I can't bury it and its making me impulsive, desperate, a flight risk. maybe i just need an escape route - maybe I just need James.