Thursday 3 March 2011

Flight risk

Today started like all the others this week, busy with unexpected situations cropping up at work & capturing my full attention.  I focused, planned, strategized & as I waited to consult I had a moment to sit & the world around came back to life.  Life was happening all around me including a conversation about my coworker finding out she was having a baby girl.  She is 1 month behind where I would be if James hadn't died & over hearing her conversation set me off like a caged animal.  My flight response kicked in & before i new it I was on my feet & walking, desperately looking for someone where to go, to go where I didn't have to hear all the giggles, & squeals of delight, about how excited she & her husband were, how it looked on the ultrasound pictures - hear the hopes & dreams I am devastated to be without.

I bumped into a coworker who is aware & could tell something was wrong & as I tried to explain what I was trying to do, I lost control & started to cry.  She brought me into her office, closed the door & handed me a Kleenex.  I know she's also experienced a significant loss but hasn't shared her story yet - I think she may have lost her spouse - but that's just trying to put pieces of info together.  She was patient & kind, sat next to me without touching me or interrupting my emotion - but I couldn't allow myself to let it all out - I sucked it all back in & told her I was going to for a walk.  She offered to join me & I thanked her but went on my own & started to walk & never wanted to go back.  But like everything else in this shitty situation, it doesn't matter what I want, I have to do exactly what I don't want. 

The rest of the day was filled with anxiety about what conversation I was going to overhear, wanting to be anywhere but there & feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  It got so bad I wanted to quit my job - just anything to get out & be able to never have to come back. 

I want to call in sick tomorrow - I'm seriously considering it but also know that tomorrow I probably will go in anyway.  I feel I can't stop, if I stop I am afraid I will undo some healing, regress into complete despair - but I feel like I need it.  Be kind to yourself, be gentle - I'm trying but I also don't know if I deserve it.  I know days like today will happen again, but I feel less competent everyday - i can't handle a busy work pace, I cant' handle others conversations, I can't handle my sadness, i can't handle much- I don't know what I want to do with myself, my time anymore.

what I do know is I don't want to do anything & that's not an option - standing still, being alone - it's just not an option.  I wanted to have my son in my life, that wasn't an option, I wanted to watch him achieve his milestones, not an option, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, smell him, not an option, I wanted my son to have a brother to play with, have sibling rivalry with, build memories with - not an option. 

So another bad day for the books but this one feels like it set me back, back to the place where I feel disabled in my grief & maybe even closer to losing more b/c I can't bury it and its making me impulsive, desperate, a flight risk.  maybe i just need an escape route - maybe I just need James.

3 comments:

  1. Oh honey... Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Being gentle with yourself, as hard as it is, is something you truly deserve... Sending hugs...

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  2. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone to work through your grief. I was alone a lot during the days following the death of my son. I used to hang a sign on my door to tell people that I was resting and to come back another time. As long as you don't get severely depressed and stay "there" for a long time. Grief takes time and you should never feel badly if you choose to be alone.

    I did end up making goals for myself...My son died at 17 months of age, so I would visit the places that we used to go together all of the time...ie: bank, grocery store, pharmacy, bible study, etc. After a couple of months I had faced all of my fears and the second time doing those things was a bit easier.

    Everyone's grief journey is different and what might feel good for me, is not what is good for you and vice versa.

    Sometimes I have felt like I have gone backwards in my grief, but because it has been 2 1/2 years since my son has died I recognize that it is a temporary setback, as this has happened before...it will get "softer" again.

    ((hugs))
    With love and Hope,
    Cheryl

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  3. First of all, I think it's amazing that you can even put your feelings into words - your list in a previous post of why you're angry was so very well expressed. I hope it helped to give voice to it.

    Second of all, I can't imagine how anyone could expect you to just got back to work and "the way things were before", when clearly nothing is the same. Is there anyway you can take a leave of absence for a few months? I know that eventually you would have to go back, and you'd still be faced with similar situations, but maybe it would help if you had a bit more space between now and then, and some more time to carve a new path?

    My thoughts are with you both - I'm thinking about you often.

    --D

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