Gratitude & Gritted teeth

Firstly - thank you to Lea for linking me to all the wonderfully kind & warm people who have left such inspiring words of comfort & love.   Secondly,  thank you to all of you who have popped over from Lea's blog & offered your support, I am truly grateful.

The past few days seemed relatively "normal" - I guess I numbed out from earlier in the week & was just coasting feeling somewhat detached from the hell that was Tuesday & then as if completely out of the blue it was as if the wind was knocked right out of me. 

This afternoon I was sitting in the kitchen at my workplace with some coworkers & enjoying a cup of tea when things turned from "normal" social time into an abyss of sadness & loneliness.  All I knew is that there it was, another co worker pregnant & due one week after James would have been born, having another conversation and perched perfectly in front of me for me to watch. She perked up straight with pride & pushed out her pregnant belly caressing it, showing it off with love.  I was in hell - the emptiness engulfed me completely, the space where James had been throbbing acutely & I was trapped.  If I stood up suddenly & left it would have caused a scene, I couldn't run, I couldn't cry, I just had to sit & watch & be alone in with my pain.  I can still feel it ache.

I am afraid of who i am becoming as my lloneliness & pain turns into anger, my tolerance remains diminished, my compassion seems lost and my purpose altered.  I almost watch myself through gritted teeth seething in my anger, not able to stop it from leaking out at times & wondering if I will be responsible for more loss - of relationships and/or opportunities.  I know anger is part of the grieving process in my head but in my body it feels unnatural but yet it seems to spill out of every pore.  I feel like I breath, sweat, taste, smell anger at times & then like this afternoon I feel destroyed, trapped, marginalized & then back to anger.  My only relief seems to be utter grief or numbness.

I want to manage my anger & use it constructively but recognize that like the broken down grief I felt initially I can't control it, it has to manifest itself & I can try and channel it but sometimes it will just come out.  I just hope that those around me will be able to show patience & forgiveness.