Random things

Wow - I don't know why or how but it seems that the universe is determined to turn the proverbial knife in the wound.  The most random & unexpected things have been happening at multiple times each day, each a little stab in my extra tender heart these days.

Only yesterday: 

• I found the day I had ear marked to be my last day at work on my calendar,
• Was shown pictures of  a co-workers new grandson - born in the same hospital & looking so perfect;
• Saw an acquaintance at my son's swimming lesson who delivered her live baby girl on the same day & same hospital that I gave birth to & lost James;
• Received an invitation from the hospital to attend a remembrance for lost angels.

For my co-worker & acquaintance- I am truly happy - they are blessed with a healthy, live children & for that I am genuinely thrilled & grateful, but I am also stricken with grief.   Their blessings are my constant reminder of the life I won't share with my son. 

The pregnant bellies around me are also growing at a rapid rate, soon these babies will make their way into the world healthy (with fingers crossed) and I will again be left with my gratitude for their blessings & grieving all the should haves. 

To top it all off, the first just keep coming - Passover, Easter, Mother's day, the birth of my oldest friend's daughter (within days of James' due date) and James' never to be due date.  I just can't seem to imagine that the next year of my life is going to be firsts of loss.  While others are celebrating their firsts, we'll be grieving the loss of ours.   Bitter injustice.

I must pay a tribute in the midst of all these awful things:

A very wise, kind & generous woman who has walked this awful journey has gently been supporting me.  I have neglected her, not feeling the strength to even know how to reply - she walks this path as well & I know struggles also.   She is amongst the kindest, most generous I have known - she has become a blessing for me in this tragedy.  I hope she knows the depth of my gratitude & will continue to be part of my journey.

My plea

I continue to struggle with the insensitivity of the world towards me right now, so I thought I would vent here what I would love to scream it in the faces of those who recently have shown me a lack of sensitivity...

• Please think before you speak, you have no idea how your thoughtlessness stabs at my raw & exposed heart;
• You  have no idea how hard it is to get up everyday & pretend to participate in this world, so please don't' give me any more reasons to want to stay in bed & hide;
• Don't think because I am here, might laugh occasionally, say I'm "OK", that I am.  I am simply wearing a mask b/c it is not socially acceptable for me to feel my anguish openly;
• If I'm short, forget my social graces, seem somewhere else, avoid your calls, am uninterested in the usual things, please remember that I am only human and can't hold it in or control it every minute of the day.
• Don't forget that my hardest days are NOT behind me & that I will never completely heal, that this void is permanent & that this is normal.
• Don't think I don't long for relief from my heartache, I do, but I lost my child, there is no relief from that.

I thought I might be done with posting, I thought I might be starting to make my way through this crazy maze of emotions, feeling like I was on the path out of the dark days.  I was wrong. 
So many significant things have happened since I wrote last - I saw a good friend at her daughters bday party very pregnant & due only days before James would have been, I passed the due date for the baby I lost to miscarriage back in the summer, saw my first newborn baby since James died and most recently had my first birthday without James. 

The week leading up to my birthday was very hard, I felt sad more then I have in over a month, was easily brought to tears - although I held them in & never let anyone know how fragile I was, found reminders of James everywhere, felt his presence missing more.  I wondered if my birthday was the trigger but it wasn't until they day before that I even remembered it was coming.  I guess the subconscious really works at chipping away at the mask we wear for everyone else & sometimes for us too.  I still feel sadness, emptiness & confused - but seems that's the journey I'm chained to indefinitely now.

The final straw bringing me back are the flurry of comments people are beginning to feel more comfortable saying around me - I guess enough time has gone by that people have forgotten or just assume I have moved on.  All the while I feel the clock ticking down - in 12 weeks my baby James would have come into this world in the way we planned - his due date is coming and I am completely terrified of it coming & being without him.

I don't want to hear or think about other people's due dates, I don't want to know how other people are talking about how big other pregnancies are getting & how hurtful those comments are.  I would give anything to have a different clock ticking down, I would give anything to be as big as house, I would give anything to worry about how I was going to lose my baby weight after delivering a live baby.  Instead, I have a due date that no one will remember, have lost my baby & been left with all the weight - which I just can't seem to get rid of so i can see people looking, wondering & some very forward people even asking if I am still pregnant.  Not to mention all the new white hairs I have inherited - vain I know but part of the new damaged version of myself. 

Hating how I look is another constant, being disgusted by myself is another, but then I remember I'm suppose to be kind to myself.  Work in progress I guess.

If I could just figure out what to say when the world forgets to be kind to me in order to slow everything down so that I can breath again...