Monday, 18 January 2016

5 years

5 years.  A big year.  A hard year. 

Jeven & Ewan are old enough now to get it.  They talk of missing their brother, Jeven will even cry at times.  Sensitive sweet boys.

Fresh grief, old grief.  A lifetime of grief for a boy.

5 years ago today, I knew my son had died and went to the hospital to deliver him way too early.  I was sent home, told to return the next day.  Research informed the doctor's approach, moving too quickly could be as devastating as the loss itself.  Go home and process it. 

Mind games at night, a desire so thick that I could feel kicks that didn't exist.  Hope was fueled by delirious grief & wish they had gotten it wrong.

Tomorrow our wedding anniversary - the irony so thick I almost chocked on it.  The day we said vows to begin our family would become the day our 2nd child was born but not alive.  We would say hello & goodbye in one breath & he would never draw even one. 

His arrival & departure came in the minutes after the stroke of midnight on the 20th.  Small gift to let his parents remember why we are in this journey together the day before having to remember his life. 

5 years later, I don't know how it got to be 5 years.  I have to do the math over & over to be sure.  I look at our rainbow & still adore him with that guilty love.  The one that never wants to know what life would be like without him & wishing his brother didn't have to go for us to have him.

I wonder how you would look as boy?what the sound of your voice would be like? What at colour hair & eyes you would have? What your interests would be?

I do know would be deeply loved.   You are deeply loved.  You are deeply missed.  You are remembered. 

No comments:

Post a Comment