Flavours of hope

Funny how this journey changes the flavours of life.  Before, when I heard of those fighting illness, I spewed hope, hope that they person would be well & most of the time I believed it would be true.  Today, the sick child I spoke of a few posts ago was confirmed to be fighting a life & death battle with cancer.  My immediate gut reaction, hope.  Hope that he would not lose his battle, not be one of the 10% whose cancer doesn't go into remission, that don't recover.

The family has asked for positive thoughts, prayers.  Those I have in abundance, but I am almost positive that my prayers & hopes and wishes are a different flavour then others.  While others will pray for health, I will pray for death to stay away.  I know they sound close, maybe even close enough to those how haven't walked this path to not notice the difference, but I notice.  I remember being one "them", only in this situation I feel like I have an advantage, I am painfully aware that this fight isn't even and that he can lose.  My prayer for him is to kick the cancer's ass & death's ass in the process, my prayer for his family is that they never have to walk this path.  My pledge is that should they find themselves walking it, I will walk with them.

In the mean time, loving & relishing my living children with gratitude to have them.

Prayers for Gabriel tonight.

Pardon My Grief - Still Standing Magazine

Closure.  A concept that I think I subscribed to in my pre-loss days, although I'm not sure how vehemently.  Closure, a concept that has been prescribed to me by many since James died & I have come to completely rebuff.  I knew loss before James died, but the concept of closure still seemed worthy enough to accept.  But after, well there can never be a time when I can walk away from the empty chair at my table, missing loot bag at our parties, missing T-ball & school pictures on the mantle, missing laughter in our play.

As I have begun volunteering for our local Pregnancy and Infant loss network providing parent support to those new to this journey, the concept of closure re-emerges.  Hearing the the rambling cries of anger and despair in these loss mamas, tears the heart.  I am still shocked to be almost 2.5 year into this journey, feels like forever, but when I write the number it doesn't seem so long at all.  And closure, well, when I travel from this earth to my beautiful son waiting for me at the golden gates & see his face again & feel the weight of his body in my arms, I will have closure.

See an incredible piece of writing and a clip by a genius woman talking about the concept of closure below.    She experienced the still birth of her daughter  I found this inspirational, relateable and insightful.  Completely worth the time it takes to read & watch!

Pardon My Grief - Still Standing Magazine

Missed you at Ewan's birthday party this weekend sweet boy.  Love you, xoxo Mommy