Life in questions

Loss causes you to reflect.  Loss makes you re-evaluate, loss makes you shift priorities, embrace things, reject others.  Loss makes you question, question everything.

I am questioning everything.  As I reflect, I cast my mind back to times, choices, opportunities, career, decisions as far back as my mind will let me go.  I see clearly with hindsight the choices I made with best of intentions that were flawed.   I cast my mind to those who watched me err in my ways and wonder how?

I envy those around me that I see with things I believe were once within my reach, back in time & I wonder how life would be different.

Things that I would never change rush to the forefront.  The things I am grateful for flash in mind, but a sense of regret, resentment for things lost remains.

Questions about the future, conviction to change what I can, learn from past mistakes & hope that I can rise from the proverbial ashes of my life, my son's short life, my life without my touchstone & guardian; Meme.

James Johnson | | Still Standing Magazine

James Johnson | | Still Standing Magazine

What a wonderful idea, a wonderful tribute to all the babies gone too soon.

How I wish my son didn't have to be part of this, that I didn't have to part of this.  But, I am, he is & there are incredible people fighting to have us not hushed into silence b/c the world is too uncomfortable with babies dying.

Thank you Still standing magazine, thank you Franchesca.

Monster Mommy

When I first came across this article, I thought, I can relate - sort of.

Today I searched this article out because I have become this very thing.  The thing I never wanted to be but recently I can't seem to get a grip on.

I feel totally lost, the grief seems to have gripped me.  My birthday is tomorrow & I am an anxious, scattered mess.  I don't want to acknowledge the day let alone celebrate.  I have been on a reflective streak, almost like I'm having a mid life crisis.  I see all the potential, all the hope, opportunities over the  years & wonder; how'd I get here?  who am I?  I'm not sure if I even like who I've become?

My poor children are taking the brunt of it.  My lack of control, this feeling of a deepening hole in my chest.  I hate myself a little more every time it comes out.  I am borrowing this term but I have become "Monster mommy".

Reading this article, Monster Mommy & Monster Mommy pt 2 has helped.  At least I'm not alone in the unhinged moments.  Hard to admit I'm so far from the parent I have always strived to be.  Hard to admit I can't relish my living children every second like I know i should, my heart & head just aren't cooperating these days.  Lastly hope that it'll turn around & I won't have scarred my children in the process.

Here are the articles, Monster Mommy & pt 2 both published in Still Standing Magazine.

Monster Mommy
Monster Mommy pt 2

Lost for how to wrap this up...hoping for a better day tomorrow.