Monday, 25 February 2013

Weight of loss

It's funny how something, someone can sit on your shoulder so to speak everyday of your life.  They say that with time, pain eases & that little by little the memories will fade.  Funny thing is, when a person has been around for a lifetime, in my experience this is true - you never forget but a day and eventually days can go by without thinking of them.   You never forget but the weight of the loss, lifts enough that time can pass where memories live in the background as life seems to go on.  The irony is that the one person who I had the least amount of time with, who's lifetime was the shortest of all the others, is the one I can't go a few hours let alone a day without thinking of.  His life is the most significant, the one that will never fade into the background, the one I will never go a day without his life being on my mind.

On the weekend I sat around the table with a group of women I hardly knew, but was grateful to be there.  The mood was light, we all gushed about our living children & without warning a brave & heartbroken woman bared her soul & brought this very rarely talked about community to the forefront.  Her story she shared, obviously still very raw, and then the entire table of women scattered.  Most went for a cigarette, those of us that remained spoke about it.  People I didn't know knew James had died, acknowledged him, our loss & others spoke of their losses.  I sat there, raw from the emotion of the story, the return to my own rawness & a little bewildered that 5 minutes previous we were 10 women with children in common & now we were women with living children & dead children too.  Funny how polished we all were before but how the cracks appeared when the veil of secrecy came down.  When the others returned, the topic was forgotten, not spoken of again.  Today, 3 days later, I am still raw.

Missing you angel & hoping you are ready to receive Meme.  She is coming any day now.

xo Mommy

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