Monday, 9 December 2013

Back to the beginning

There have been so many blog worthy events, I have wanted to check in many times but life drones on & no post.  

Today my chest is tight as I face another first almost 3 years into this journey.  A coworker lost her adult son in an accident late last week.  As if that isn't trigger enough, today is the funeral.  The funeral will be gut wrenching to begin with & I expect to be a waterfall of tears but the service is in the same funeral home as where we held James' service.  

I have gone back and forth about going, talked myself in and out of it several times.  In the end, I just can't abandon a fellow child loss parent.  Yes, our losses are different, her son was an adult but child loss is, is child loss and I need to be there.   I remember holding James service and the feeling of others discomfort, how people chose themselves over us in our time of most need.  I will not abandon her but I know I will be an emotional wreck afterwards.  I'm not ready for this, I don't want this first.  No one ever does.  

Deep breath. Jumping into that black hole of grief head first.  Hoping to remember to breath & sending  gentle wishes to the family mourning.

Back in the place where I last saw your gorgeous face.  Send me strength sweet boy.

Xo mommy 

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