Monday, 10 September 2012

Static of words

Funny how time seems to just slip away.  Seems like just yesterday we were waiting for our rainbow & poof he was here, the summer has all but gone and Jev has had another birthday.  Woven throughout have been moments of joy, doubts, fear, pain, love.  I've thought about posting often, gotten a few posts out, but mostly written my blog in my mind. 

I have followed other blogs closely & felt the roller coaster of emotions.  Felt somewhat inadequate in my ability to express my own feelings.  My mind seems disorganized, jumping from one thought, emotion to the other & when I try and write it down, it just doesn't seems to make sense, like I'm missing the most important things through the static of words in my head. 

So bare with me as I try again.  The chain that holds James' locket broke, in my hurry to get something done for Ewan I caught it with my finger and felt it break away.  I was devastated.  I told myself it's only a chain and looked to gather the link that had opened to bring to the jeweller to repair.  I didn't tell my husband, I didn't tell any friends, I broke the chain & felt like I had committed some sort of crime but worse now couldn't be close to James until it was repaired.  No one noticed that I wasn't wearing him, this chain & locket that I have been wearing for the better part of 2 years without exception.  i am dissapointed but not surprised.  My son's memory lives only in the hearts & minds of those whom he has touched most and some days it feels like that is mine & mine alone.  I have since confessed it to my husband who was amazing & I confess here to you that it's still not fixed but a work in progress. Mostly miss having James near to my heart.

1 year, 9 months into this journey the pain seems softer and fewer and far between but it is still there.  I find I look into Ewan's face, who is always smiling back at me, and have flashes of James.  After the flashes, I see my baby's face almost with light behind it and can't help but cry.  My tears are mostly love & gratitude but also fear that it will be fleeting and longing to have seen James smile.  The pain has softened but is still there.

Jev had his 3rd birthday & I struggled this year with how to plan his party.  Things have been rather hectic with Ewan's arrival & money has been tight with maternity leave.  We decided to make it a few smaller celebrations filled with family & in the places he loves most.  One of his favourite things right now are balloons, so we filled our front hallway with balloons & later had some helium balloons too.  When the festivities were over and balloons were getting ready to be popped, he asked if we could send the floating ones to the sky, to James.  There are few things more meaningful then watching our living children play together but knowing that Jev continues to think of James even though he isn't here with us both warms & hurts the heart.  He is just so special, a miracle unto himself that I'm not sure I would have fully recognzied if it wasn't for James' life.

Finally I got to spend time with the first person I met who also lost a child after losing James. Her daughter was born & grew wings 8 days before James.  There a few people who I have met that I just feel a connection to, she is one of them & she has breathed purpose back into my heart and inspired me to try and come back to blogging.  I don't see her often but when I do I feel as close to normal and grounded as it gets.  I guess even after all this time, I am still pretending to live a world as if I don't have a huge hole in my heart.  It's only when I am surrounded by others living with this same hole that I feel whole again. 

Feeling your warmth in my heart this morning angel.  xoxo Mommy


  1. Eva's necklace broke on Saturday. I miss caressing it and feel like somethin gis missing without her. But the reality is that the bigger something that is missing is Eva and James. Necklaces are just necklaces and it's our hearts that really carry our dears.

    1. You are SO right! I think because we have no tangible items to memoralize James with, I place extra value on the locket. It's a way for me to feel him with my senses, almost replace that I don't have any pictures, foot prints to see or favorite things of his to hold, smell. But in the end I know he is in my heart b/c I feel him there everyday.