Tomorrow

Tomorrow is "the" day.  I have found things flooding my senses these last few days - seeing pregnancies everywhere, feeling like everything around is focused on newborn babies or pregnancies.  I had been feeling this way just over a month ago & was ever so grateful when it seemed to pass, but in the last few days it's back.

I've been feeling rather numb in the last few days, neither dread, nor fear, nor sadness.  I have no idea what I'll do, I've taken the day off, but it seems inevitable now - the day will be here & gone before I know it.  I feel like tomorrow I cross some twisted finish line. 

Jeven has been noticing my cremation locket these last few days and holding it in his hand, I keep telling him that it's James and he said his name for the first time.  Not sure I believe in coincidences, but the timing of him tuning into James seems appropriate.  Who knows what's out there, up there, beyond - just seems that my boys timing blow me away every time.

I think I'll light James' candle tomorrow, I'm still toying with seeing baby Melissa &/or going to for a walk somewhere beautiful or for lunch with a very good friend.  I am going to be extra gentle with myself tomorrow & hope James will hold my hand as I walk through the day wishing & wondering for what could have been - to have been holding him in my arms instead of only in my heart.