shock factor

I had midwife care in my pregnancy with James & therefore, no contact with my family doctor who is also an OB & delivered Jeven.  I went to see him today about an issue I've been having since delivering James & we spoke about things for the first time.

I sat in the waiting room fretting about how I was going to explain what happened, going over every possible way to describe it, anxious at choosing words to really capture what happened.  Then I transferred into the room & waited, now my anxiety was really escalated b/c it was going to happen soon - I was close to tears & had to do some cleansing breaths to control myself from completely breaking down before he got there.

Then he arrived & started by noticing that I hadn't been there since Oct - when we had originally discovered we were pregnant with James - he said it would seem that I must have had a miscarriage - this is where things started to unravel.

Me:  I had more then a miscarriage,
Doc: What do you mean?
Me: I guess it might be a miscarriage to some, but was way more then that to me,
Doc: How, what are you talking about?
Me: I delivered a dead baby, that's what,
Doc: Stunned silence

I was instantly filled with guilt for the shock factor in what I had just said - but still choked & couldn't bring myself to apologize.  The truth is, for all my rehearsing of what I was going to say - I never would have expected that to come out of my mouth.  The raw unbridled reality of what had happened just spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about it.

Wow - I still feel badly - I do have to say though, my doctor was very sympathetic, not that I left him much choice.  Our visit ended with him rubbing my knee and saying how sorry he was & to hang in there.  I think he'll probably think about that shock tonight as he drifts off to sleep.  Sorry Dr. K.