Breathless

Funny the things that remind you that you are "just pretending"...

Taking long deep breaths - reminds me that I'm actually breathless most of the time - still trying to catch my breath...and that long deep breath feels like the first breath I've drawn in a long time;
Night time - I can never wait for it to be a certain time to day so I can have to quiet but it never fails, when it comes so does the torment.  Most often I push aside, every now & then when I have time or privacy to engage it, it frightens me b/c of how deep & raging & lonely it is.

Today I am not sure - I really struggled with my earth angel & the demands of an out of the ordinary kind of day.  Today I am not sure if it was my earth angel that was challenging or if it was me.  Today I am worried that I spilled my lack of coping onto him & am doubting myself as a mother.  Today I realize how the time is racing toward that "day" & am feeling completely powerless & looking for a miracle that make it stop.  Today I think I may have failed & I hope that tomorrow I can redeem myself.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts & feeling  numb but having a hard time catching my breath & reminded. 

Hoping I can have the strength to make you proud & find some strength to be the mommy I could have been to you & be the one that your brother deserves.  xoxoxox Mommy