Challenges & quotes

Every new day brings a new challenge in this journey.  Today brought the, Are you expecting a baby? challenge...I answered the question non chalently as the person could truly have no idea, & I'm sure he didn't notice the storm that was raging in my mind & heart.  I find it amazing that we can hide so well that others have no clue.  In that moment, I raged at his stupidity at asking, I raged at having to answer no, I poured sadness as I wished to have the privilege to still have James with me so I could answer yes, I ached from the pain of being without him, I missed his life in my life, I grieved for his life not being my life.

Then the - "Is this your only child" challenge came & although this is not a new challenge, I always struggle with how to deal with it.  Today we chose to say yes, today it was easier to say yes but my heart rips a little & the guilt engulfs my breath taking it away when we do.  Horrible, horrible choices to ever have to make.  Horrible, horrible choices to have to make every day.

I found some posts in various places that spoke to me over the last few days that I wanted to share:

Wish List

• I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
• I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you don't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
• I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
• I wish you wouldn't pretend my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
• I wish you wouldn't judge me because I'm not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
• I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
• I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
• I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a "fetus". The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was a real person. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me.
• I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again.
• I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
• I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
• I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
• I wish you would remember the father. The truth is he is suffering too.

~Author Unknown~

All of the following quotes come from Silent Grief - Child loss support:

I often found myself feeling angry at the world following the death of my son. How could this happen to me? I felt like I didn't deserve this. And, then I crashed with guilt for feeling this way. Grief is so complicated

Finding the "new normal" following child loss is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work!

Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me! Child loss is the most unexpected, out of the norm, kind of loss. It truly is the "unthinkable.