Moments

Since my initial elation over the birth of a very special girl, I've thought of all the very precious moments we will miss. 

The moment of knowing you did the most incredible thing & gave birth to a living child
The moment you hear that perfect life cry for the first time & can exhale
The moment you have him in your arms for the first time
The moment he looks at you with a tired glare
The moment you watch your husband stare in awe as they meet for the first time
The moment you know you've just grown your family
The moment you can look at him all wrapped up in his bassinet & he's peaceful - a miracle
The moment you hear all his tests are back & he's healthy
The moment you know you have this innocent life, this miracle in your life to take home & rejoice in.

So many moments we'll miss - so many wonderful moments that today keep me feeling like maybe it's worth doing it again. 

Previously the "what ifs" kept me from feeling ready, but in the last few days, it would seem I can't even feel the "what if".  Hopefully this means I'm moving in the right direction, not on a impulsive collision course with heartache.

Thinking of you James every second & imagining your beautiful face in all the moments listed above.  It would have been my great honour to have shared them with you.  Love you angel xoxo Mommy

She's here!

My very good friend who was pregnant at the same time as me, who was due only 5 days before James had her little girl arrive today.  The news has hit me in a surprising way.  I am happy - I am all but jumping out of my chair to run to the hospital to see her.  I feel like this little girl is the living tribute to James - she'll forever be a symbol of what he would be doing and I feel energized by it.  I feel like having a special relationship with Melissa Jacqueline will bring me closer to James - that maybe sometimes I'll see some of his essence in her smile, in her breath, in her face...crazy I know, but I'm feeling it passionately...

My attitude toward my other friend from group has also changed - now I feel hope for her - now I feel almost a competitive spirit & rush to try again.  I'm confused - how can I feel competitive about such a thing?  My husband put it nicely - that I want to be where they are.  Maybe there's truth in that - right now I can't delve into the logic of it, I feel it so passionately, I can barely breath. 

Slow down crazy girl - one day angry, resentful for others blessings, the next shocking with terrible words, the next avoiding all things pregnant & the next an insatiable urge to have another baby.

Riding this crazy wave & going to wait until tomorrow to decide if I'm going to see this little miracle - too late tonight & feeling too impulsive.

Welcome to the world Melissa Jacqueline - James I hope you will watch over her & us tonight & continue to fill hearts with joy.  Feeling you close tonight angel xoxoxo Mommy

shock factor

I had midwife care in my pregnancy with James & therefore, no contact with my family doctor who is also an OB & delivered Jeven.  I went to see him today about an issue I've been having since delivering James & we spoke about things for the first time.

I sat in the waiting room fretting about how I was going to explain what happened, going over every possible way to describe it, anxious at choosing words to really capture what happened.  Then I transferred into the room & waited, now my anxiety was really escalated b/c it was going to happen soon - I was close to tears & had to do some cleansing breaths to control myself from completely breaking down before he got there.

Then he arrived & started by noticing that I hadn't been there since Oct - when we had originally discovered we were pregnant with James - he said it would seem that I must have had a miscarriage - this is where things started to unravel.

Me:  I had more then a miscarriage,
Doc: What do you mean?
Me: I guess it might be a miscarriage to some, but was way more then that to me,
Doc: How, what are you talking about?
Me: I delivered a dead baby, that's what,
Doc: Stunned silence

I was instantly filled with guilt for the shock factor in what I had just said - but still choked & couldn't bring myself to apologize.  The truth is, for all my rehearsing of what I was going to say - I never would have expected that to come out of my mouth.  The raw unbridled reality of what had happened just spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about it.

Wow - I still feel badly - I do have to say though, my doctor was very sympathetic, not that I left him much choice.  Our visit ended with him rubbing my knee and saying how sorry he was & to hang in there.  I think he'll probably think about that shock tonight as he drifts off to sleep.  Sorry Dr. K.

baby steps...

The term - "take baby steps" has been used often by others to support me recently as a a way to describe how I should be kind to myself as I struggle to move forward.  The thing that strikes me is that it's such a common turn phrase that no one thinks about what they are saying.  I know I'm extra sensitive but "baby steps" - I definitely hate that saying now.  I can't begrudge anyone - it took me a bit to clue into why whenever someone said that to me, it didn't make me feel any better.   Definitely something I'll think about before saying again to others.

what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?  Why is it that good news - news for someone who deserves it - who's experienced this journey & who will take every second and cherish it - is upsetting? Why is it that I can lose a whole night's sleep & feel close to tears since hearing her news.  Why am I feeling angry, resentful, cheated? 

The old me - would have rejoiced, the new me - I thought, would have been filled with hope for those who have lost & are now blessed to be pregnant again.  Instead I'm bothered, angry- feel even a bit betrayed for having been pouring out my aching soul & all the while she is blessed - again.  Now I feel guilt for what I just said, for the fact that it is true - where has the good person in me gone? 

I have been torn about attending a butterfly release event - cringing at what I expect to be an outpouring of grief all over again.  I've been on the fence but leaning towards going - until now.  Now I feel that I don't want to see others pregnant, with new born babies.  I don't want to be a puddle to have to pull it back together to go our Niece's first communion afterwards.  Now I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to go.  Now I think my drive to remember James & honour his memory may not be enough.  What kind of mother does that make me?

Filled with doubt about who I have become this morning & questioning my relationship with the world.

Breathless

Funny the things that remind you that you are "just pretending"...

Taking long deep breaths - reminds me that I'm actually breathless most of the time - still trying to catch my breath...and that long deep breath feels like the first breath I've drawn in a long time;
Night time - I can never wait for it to be a certain time to day so I can have to quiet but it never fails, when it comes so does the torment.  Most often I push aside, every now & then when I have time or privacy to engage it, it frightens me b/c of how deep & raging & lonely it is.

Today I am not sure - I really struggled with my earth angel & the demands of an out of the ordinary kind of day.  Today I am not sure if it was my earth angel that was challenging or if it was me.  Today I am worried that I spilled my lack of coping onto him & am doubting myself as a mother.  Today I realize how the time is racing toward that "day" & am feeling completely powerless & looking for a miracle that make it stop.  Today I think I may have failed & I hope that tomorrow I can redeem myself.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts & feeling  numb but having a hard time catching my breath & reminded. 

Hoping I can have the strength to make you proud & find some strength to be the mommy I could have been to you & be the one that your brother deserves.  xoxoxox Mommy

Challenges & quotes

Every new day brings a new challenge in this journey.  Today brought the, Are you expecting a baby? challenge...I answered the question non chalently as the person could truly have no idea, & I'm sure he didn't notice the storm that was raging in my mind & heart.  I find it amazing that we can hide so well that others have no clue.  In that moment, I raged at his stupidity at asking, I raged at having to answer no, I poured sadness as I wished to have the privilege to still have James with me so I could answer yes, I ached from the pain of being without him, I missed his life in my life, I grieved for his life not being my life.

Then the - "Is this your only child" challenge came & although this is not a new challenge, I always struggle with how to deal with it.  Today we chose to say yes, today it was easier to say yes but my heart rips a little & the guilt engulfs my breath taking it away when we do.  Horrible, horrible choices to ever have to make.  Horrible, horrible choices to have to make every day.

I found some posts in various places that spoke to me over the last few days that I wanted to share:

Wish List

• I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
• I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you don't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
• I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
• I wish you wouldn't pretend my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
• I wish you wouldn't judge me because I'm not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
• I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
• I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
• I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a "fetus". The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was a real person. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me.
• I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again.
• I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
• I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
• I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
• I wish you would remember the father. The truth is he is suffering too.

~Author Unknown~

All of the following quotes come from Silent Grief - Child loss support:

I often found myself feeling angry at the world following the death of my son. How could this happen to me? I felt like I didn't deserve this. And, then I crashed with guilt for feeling this way. Grief is so complicated

Finding the "new normal" following child loss is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work!

Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me! Child loss is the most unexpected, out of the norm, kind of loss. It truly is the "unthinkable.