Reflections

I've been struck at how other blogs I read seem more hopeful then my own.  This has got me wondering about my journey.  I believe that there have been times when my thoughts have held more hope then they have recently & this makes me wonder if I've fallen off the path or if this is just simply part of it.  I tell myself everyones journey is unique but how can mine seem so stuck, so without hope and others feel it, see it or at least acknowledge it must be there somewhere. 

I'm feeling like I'm life's punching bag, like I can't ever get a break.  The funny thing is that I know I've been given the biggest break of all, another child to potentially bring into this world.  The journey to making this happen just seems paved with challenges & obstacles & I've lost my zest for a challenge as it applies to this area of my life.

I have read the media's coverage of the Duggers from 20 kids & counting losing their youngest daughter at 19 weeks & the criticism of the mom & the family's choice to photograph & put a memorial & memorial video together.  This both angered me for the judgement that others have the audacity to impose without a frame of reference & scared me b/c I was 19 weeks at the time I read the story.  I had nightmares & Mike has asked me from reading anything further on the topic to reduce my stress.  I am still outraged at the media.  What a striking example of how far we are as a Society from being open to & supporting this gut renching time in a family's life.

Jev is still sick, I watched him sleeping this morning & was struck at how pale & sick he looked even as he slept soundly and peacefully.  I can't even imagine the plight of parents of chronically & seriously ill children- I am filled with gratitude for knowing his illness is brief & he will recover at some point.

As James' day approaches & it becomes clear that Jev's care will spill into the middle of next week, any plans of mine to do something over and above or that requires planning are all but out of the question for this year.  I've come to accept that it will be a quiet day with a few special tributes/moments shared as a family & I hope next year will hold more special arrangements & remembrances.

James, you flashed to me many times yesterday as we sat in our local children's hospital trying to get to the bottom of what's making Jev so sick.  You helped me keep my cool & stay grateful for the efforts of the doctors & nurses.  I think you even helped fast track a few things for us which kept us focused & ready.  I hope you visit Jev often and that you can have a special relationship despite the distance.  Your youngest brother is saucy already & I can only imagine the great times the three of you would have had.

I love you angel & hope you'll help me get back to hope.
xoxox Mommy