January

What is it about January?  Once upon a time, it was a cold & beautiful time of year with snow painting the landscape & the planning & celebration of our wedding.

Now, it's a hellish month, memories of moments gone too soon & this year a battle against some unknown illness in our household.  Everyone one of us is sick, most notably is Jev.  I've been home with him since Monday & he's not improving at all.  Fevers are relentless, he is so uncomfortable & I have really reached a point where I am starting to doubt myself.  I've done everything I know how to, my instincts seems to even fail me now.  Sure, I haven't slept in 2 weeks between sleep training & now sickness but I can't help but think about how powerless I am & how I feel like I keep letting down my children.

We've been to the doctor, gotten medication, checked in with the doctor again & have another appointment tomorrow.  We've toyed with going to hospital on a number of occasions but the doubts about our own competence to judge the situation seems to get in the way.  The dialogue in Mike's & my head are united in one way, we are scared each and every time that we will lose him too.  We couldn't go on if that were to happen, that we both agree. 

I have a sinus infection brewing with no time to rest or want to be away from Jev for even one second as it seems I'm the only comfort he wants - even if I am a complete failure at bringing it to him.  Every now & then I remember, oh ya, I'm pregnant too - funny how this time feels more disconnected, even when things are status quo.  So there goes my subconscious again, what if this stress, this infection, this dreaded month of January means another loss, another failure on my body's part to cope.  My thoughts are torturous to say the least.

James' day is Friday next week, and I haven't been able to dedicate the time I had hoped to make it something meaningful for me.  Mike as always is completely tuned into how to make it meaningful & will get a tattoo of tribal style angel wings with James name & date.  I had planned to make a donation in his name and pick up some balloons and maybe something else - to be determined to make it a day of dedication and remembrance.  Lord knows, I feel set up to fail at this one too but keep trying to tell myself that the first is going to be the strangest, the hardest, and that rituals can fall out of it or be established after it and to stop pressuring myself to somehow magically know.  Easier said then done.

Wow January is in with a vengeance again and hopefully out like a lamb, this year.  Although January will never be that magical month ever again.

Praying that you are with us and will help us know what we need to do to help your older brother and keep him safe.

xoxox Mommy