I am still surprised by the waves of grief when they come.  I forget all too often that the most difficult thing that has ever happened to me only happened a few short months ago.  I've become so good at carrying on that some days I even convince myself.

I was speaking with a friend after attending my perinatal loss group & was relating to something she said about missing the strangest thing when I realized we SHOULD have a 6 wk old infant & have been at home changing his diaper.  I felt things tighten up & I no longer had any words to share, just this longing for this to be different.  As the night went on, the tightness changed to heaviness & what I thought was anger/frustration with things changed to despair for all the things should be.

I realize more every day how significant planning Jev's 2nd birthday is in my recent waves of grief.  I am keenly aware of the missing child at his brother's party & I am also aware that either then Mike & I, no one else will notice.  I plan to light James' candle during the party so I can see his light - some days, most days it's just not enough.

I'm disappointed in myself.  A friend who has been very good to me since James died told me she is expecting her 2nd baby.  My gut reaction was ouch - it hurt to hear her news & then came the jealousy - the pure unreserved anger inducing jealousy followed by a quick prayer that her pregnancy is a healthy one with a live baby at the end of it.

I had planned to visit a friend this weekend, one I met after James died, her baby girl also died 2 weeks before James & I have felt connected to her since.  She is expecting her 3rd child in January & the thought of seeing her pregnant has me spooked - I'm not sure I even want to go.  I know in the past I have given myself some slack & been gentle on myself when I haven't felt up to it, but both these women I consider friends, they are kind, patient, supportive women but I have a little hate born from jealousy in my heart.

If I could control my mind, I would flip the switch to elation & ignorance for both - maybe then I'd feel like a normal person again.  Instead I am left uneasy about these terrible feelings, ones I hate myself for having & feel even worse for not being able to control.

I hope both will understand - I hope one day I will understand.

Walking the plank

Earlier this week I had a group meeting with PBSO (Perinatal bereavement services Ontario) - am a regular and hope one day be able to facilitator at these meetings.  I arrived early -no one else was there & I couldn't bring myself to sit alone in the parking lot so I parked across the street where I could watch the lot & waited for a familiar car or face to arrive.

As I watched I had a strange experience, an almost out of body experience.  As the first & second people arrived I watched with the feeling of an outsider looking in, watching the quick steps of one & the slow tentative steps of the second.  I watched as one looked around almost wondering it seemed how she'd gotten there & then motioning self consciously to her cloths, her belly - looking for her belly & then hoping no one else noticed it was no longer there.  My heart ached as I watched her b/c it seemed like I was almost watching myself, I could so relate to the subtle non verbal gestures of self doubt, longing for something gone, wondering how life could be so strange & cruel & then trying to cover it all up in an futile effort to carry on - just put one foot in front of the other.  I watched & the wished that I couldn't relate so acutely to what I was watching.  Watched & wished I wasn't there for the same reason & then having to take the same walk down that same plank, inside.

Then as I made my way across the street to the meeting, I had to fight the urge to drive on past & felt heaves of hurt & sadness as I walked toward the meeting.  But I made it inside & it was one of my more emotional meetings. In the end I was glad to have gone.

 

The weather has been good - we even got a break in the intense heat.  Had a week of vacation which we spent together the 3 of us & really got some quality family time which I have been longing for.   For the last few days though, I have been feeling heavy hearted.  Maybe it's the good - the great time we've had, the quality time & it's made me think of all of the things that should have also been. 

I have tried to focus on the good - be grateful for the great but still my heart remains heavy.  I have been wondering where the person I used to be went & how I got to be where I am, who I am.  I feel the need to make some changes, personal ones.  I know it's the human condition to always want more - I actually want less, less of the rhetoric & more authenticism from myself.  I don't want to only go through the motions, accept the way things are, the way they've become.  Time to start re-focusing on me, re-discover myself in this life despite it's cruelty.  My children deserve that & I know it'll be hard work, I have been conditioned & comfortable putting myself last, pushing beyond my limits for others.  Now I have to find a way to work my own value back into life & place myself in the cue of the deserving.

Sounds great - now I have to do it. 

James my love - I am missing your place in our trips, in our routines, in Jev's play & fun.  I miss not counting you in the list of guests at Jev's 2nd birthday party, not being able to see your innocence & bewildered joy at all things new.  Jev's new daycare has started & I think it's going well but he cries & breaks my heart as I would do anything to protect him, shield him from hurt & pain.  Please continue to watch over him & comfort him when mommy can't be there.  Missing you my baby boy & sending all my love wherever you are.

xoxoxoxoxox Mommy

Wishing on a rainbow

So the saying goes you wish on star, only these days I find myself wishing on a rainbow.  I've not only begun to feel like I can bare the thought of it, I've found myself desperately wanting it.  Only, not this time & wow - what a rush of emotions.  I guess I have been so focused on the rainbow that I didn't stop to consider how I'd feel if it didn't happen the way I hoped, as quickly as I hoped or if it might not happen at all.  I know I've started asking for more miracles & I wonder if I am asking for too many.  Asking James to send us a rainbow - not to replace him - but to shower it with the kind of love & gratitude that you have when one of your other children dies but also to feel that joy of holding your live & healthy child.  I want Jev to have a sibling - he would be the best big brother & I just thinking of the fun & mayhem they could have warms my heart at future possibilities & breaks it for things that should have been. 

I guess that's why I have been feeling angry lately - too many conflicting emotions, disappointment at another missed opportunity, being reminded that I'm rarely in control - especially where my body is concerned & that I'll probably be in this spot again.  I totally get the reference now about the rainbow coming after the storm & wonder if the storm ever really dies down or just get tucked between the colours of the rainbow.

Panic & miracles

Wow - it feels like an eternity since I posted last.  Seems that since our "due date" things have felt more "normal" more "in control"...until late last week that is.

Now I realize this strays a bit from my usual choice of topics, but in the end it all ties back together.  Mid to late last week, we were faced with our deepest fear.  Jeven became very ill, scary ill, omg I am afraid we're going to lose him too ill.  We spent our time between doctors & eventually at Sick Kids for 2 days - saw 8 doctors in 3 days & rode the emotional roller coaster that is reserved for parents who have already had a child die - only this time we thought we were going to have to watch it happen right in front of our eyes. 

He's fine & going to be fine, but the momentum of doctors, concerned looks, residents interest in his condition, calling in of specialist on favours, swabs, exams, tests - we prepared for the worst.  I thought of James often - asked for his help to keep his brother safe here with us, prayed for a miracle.  In the end he will slowly recover & we are home together this week & next week too, we got our miracle. 

Now all that's left is my anxiety - the feelings of panic, the overwhelming fear that Jev could die too.  I think my deepest fear is wreaking havoc with my rational self - I'm trying to pull back & know it will take some time but wow - the fear, wow the panic, wow -I'm out of control all over again - but grateful, so incredibly grateful for having Jev with us, healthy.

James - thank you my angel for watching over your brother & mommy & papa too.  Missing you everyday & hoping your angel wings are tightly wrapped around Jev keeping him safe.  If you can help Mommy find strength to not smother Jev, I'd be grateful - I only want him to feel free, confident, have fun & not feel my worries, my trepidation, my hesitation.  If I can give Jev those gifts, I feel I will have also paid a tribute to you angel, all the great gifts I would have loved to give to you too.

xoxoxoxo with gratitude for our miracle & tremendous love my angel - Mommy

wrapped in his wings

I have read many posts about angels coming to visit in many forms & told that at some point I may be blessed with the same gift.

We celebrated Canada day over the past weekend & it was wonderful - beautiful weather & lots of genuine family time.  Each day, although we didn't do anything overly special there was a reminder and maybe even a visit by James.

On the Friday we visited a cherished friend & ended up a the park with Jeven.  While playing a strange little boy, older then Jeven approached us & wanted to play with Jev & the ball we had brought along.  Jev who is usually a very tentative child with other children at first, seemed to play more quickly with this child.  At some point, I asked - what's your name - to avoid having to encourage Jev to throw the ball to the "boy" - he replied James.  I lost my breath, froze for a moment & marveled at the coincidence - my thoughts went to how Jev & James would have been brothers & played in the park - just this way.  Then I wondered, could my James have come to visit & play with his brother through this other child.  Could he have chosen this child b/c he knew that his name would let me know he was there?  Too strange & not sure I totally believe it but I want to.

Saturday we spent again with one of my oldest friends & Melissa.  Our kids played at the park, we embraced another beautiful day & I got to hold Melissa, feed her, rock her gently to soothe her, watch Mike fall in love with her & cradle her - much the way I would imagine he would with any child of ours.  It was a good day - filled with the essence of James.  Then as we prepared to leave, my dear friend gave me a gift, a Treasure Bean made with love by another angel mom who pays tribute to lost angels.   My friend was ever so gentle when giving it to me & graciously insisted I open it when I was ready.  When I did, I felt love & joy for it is so much more beautiful then I expected.  Mike & I shared a moment of gratitude & love for James & that tribute now has a place on our mantle with James' candle.

Sunday was also beautiful and on our way out to the park Jev held James' locket in hand - something he hadn't done for many days.  His hold is always so gentle - just in the palm of his little hand.  I told him "That's James" & he closed his hand around it for a few moments & then released it.  My heart was full, is still full remembering it.

There were some confusing moments thinking of what could have been, but overall, my boys kept my spirits high - surrounding me with their love & presence.   The most I have felt joy & peace since James grew his wings & I think it might be b/c for the first time I felt like I was wrapped in them.