Panic & miracles

Wow - it feels like an eternity since I posted last.  Seems that since our "due date" things have felt more "normal" more "in control"...until late last week that is.

Now I realize this strays a bit from my usual choice of topics, but in the end it all ties back together.  Mid to late last week, we were faced with our deepest fear.  Jeven became very ill, scary ill, omg I am afraid we're going to lose him too ill.  We spent our time between doctors & eventually at Sick Kids for 2 days - saw 8 doctors in 3 days & rode the emotional roller coaster that is reserved for parents who have already had a child die - only this time we thought we were going to have to watch it happen right in front of our eyes. 

He's fine & going to be fine, but the momentum of doctors, concerned looks, residents interest in his condition, calling in of specialist on favours, swabs, exams, tests - we prepared for the worst.  I thought of James often - asked for his help to keep his brother safe here with us, prayed for a miracle.  In the end he will slowly recover & we are home together this week & next week too, we got our miracle. 

Now all that's left is my anxiety - the feelings of panic, the overwhelming fear that Jev could die too.  I think my deepest fear is wreaking havoc with my rational self - I'm trying to pull back & know it will take some time but wow - the fear, wow the panic, wow -I'm out of control all over again - but grateful, so incredibly grateful for having Jev with us, healthy.

James - thank you my angel for watching over your brother & mommy & papa too.  Missing you everyday & hoping your angel wings are tightly wrapped around Jev keeping him safe.  If you can help Mommy find strength to not smother Jev, I'd be grateful - I only want him to feel free, confident, have fun & not feel my worries, my trepidation, my hesitation.  If I can give Jev those gifts, I feel I will have also paid a tribute to you angel, all the great gifts I would have loved to give to you too.

xoxoxoxo with gratitude for our miracle & tremendous love my angel - Mommy