I am still surprised by the waves of grief when they come.  I forget all too often that the most difficult thing that has ever happened to me only happened a few short months ago.  I've become so good at carrying on that some days I even convince myself.

I was speaking with a friend after attending my perinatal loss group & was relating to something she said about missing the strangest thing when I realized we SHOULD have a 6 wk old infant & have been at home changing his diaper.  I felt things tighten up & I no longer had any words to share, just this longing for this to be different.  As the night went on, the tightness changed to heaviness & what I thought was anger/frustration with things changed to despair for all the things should be.

I realize more every day how significant planning Jev's 2nd birthday is in my recent waves of grief.  I am keenly aware of the missing child at his brother's party & I am also aware that either then Mike & I, no one else will notice.  I plan to light James' candle during the party so I can see his light - some days, most days it's just not enough.