Potluck

Over the weekend we spent some time with our neighbours.  A strange dynamic at best, but for the most part good people and an opportunity to spend some combined adult & kid play time.

Only one thing that has stayed with me.  One of the couples are our former neighbours, the ones that lost their son Lucas at 25 days.  They have since had a beautiful rainbow baby, a daughter Olivia.  The other couple know both of our stories, Lucas' and James', so there was no need to pretend.  The strange part was that all I could think about was that Jeven is the age that Lucas would be & how hard it must be for them & looking Olivia, made think about how things should be for us & I felt a deep sense of loss. 

I was so affected by this that I couldn't sleep the whole night, all I could see in my mind when I closed my eyes was Andrea's face (Lucas' mom) and the emptiness I felt watching everything unfold that night.

It's been several months since I've been able to go to the bereavement group b/c it's not open when you're pregnant.  I have found that since I've stopped going I feel very far away from my feelings & find myself back to feeling isolated.  So I found it strange to be in a room with other bereaved parents & feel so far apart. 

Tomorrow is our midwife appointment.  I am grateful for any prayers or good wishes anyone might want to send around 9am b/c all I'll be thinking about is James.  My poor baby without a heartbeat, me laying on the same examination bed, almost one year ago at the exact same gestation, so unprepared, life about to change permanently.

Deep breath for all the things I can not control.  Deep breath for all the hopes I can muster.

xoxoxo missing & remembering every second.  Mommy