Numb

It's been a strange time.  Things have been busy, time is seeming to fly by & I feel like I am getting swept along, like I'm caught in the under tow in a stream that is rushing & gushing.

I have tried to make a conscious effort to not allow myself to go to the scary place where all my worst fears live.  I have been successful for the most part.  I still have moments where I have flashes of ugly moments & on occasion am snapped into reality where I realize how close we are to when we lost James, both in gestation & his angelversary.

I am forcing myself to forge on, holidays coming fast, colds & flu's whirling around at home and my sanity holding on by a thread.  The most insignificant things, songs, TV shows, deep breaths all bring about tears & that familiar yet hated thrust of the chest, that comes from deep down where the most painful grief lingers.

Sometime between now & next week James died almost a year ago at this point in my pregnancy.  I can't feel this baby moving but they say it's b/c the placenta is forming anteriorly (in the front).  In my mind it's just another form of torture.  Next week I see my midwife & this will be the equivalent check up to the one where we couldn't find James' heart beat.  I am numb at the thought of all this but completely tortured.

All this & the torment of getting closer to the holidays & the missing stocking still burning in my mind.  100% powerless to protect this newest child from harm, to be able to share the upcoming holidays with my youngest son, against the cold/flu season, against the tears which appear on whim.  Feeling alone, powerless & like this torment will never end.  I keep telling myself, something got to get easier - right?