Revelation

I'm having trouble sleeping.  As I lay awake last night waiting & hoping for sleep to set in I had a revelation.  Both my grandmothers, who, amazingly are still alive, lost babies.  My Meme I remember her telling me, lost a daughter on the delivery table.  She had described going into labour & needing a C section.  I remember her saying she woke from the surgery to find out her baby had died before being delivered - cord accident I think, cord wrapped around her neck.  Marie was her name, first born, before my mother - she only speaks of this every so often. 

My grandma's story is different, she had delivered a son who was healthy but during war time.  She was forced to up root her family & travel to safer place.  Being a Jew made times dangerous in Europe, so towards a safer existence they all went.  I don't know what the exact circumstances are but the baby boy previously healthy became sick & later died in my grandmother's arms.  Her choice to carry her baby boy now sleeping with her& the other children or find a place to leave him so the rest could move to a safer place.  What a horrible choice to have to make.  She made the most difficult decision, one that I'm sure haunts her to this day, she left her angel baby behind.  I have never heard my grandma tell this story, not until recently did I have this much info about it.  My heart breaks for her as I think about it now.

I wish I felt I could speak to my grandmother's about their losses.  One is so deaf i doubt she'd even understand what I was saying, the other, so closed about it that I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject.  What a terrible legacy to have to carry on. 

Today I was flipping around looking at some poetry written by other angel mom's and was moved to tears several times.  The power of the written word - especially when it feels like you are reading your own feelings, thougths that until you saw someone else write them were but screams in your mind.  

Feeling you close today angel. xoxox Mommy