Moving backwards to move forward?

I have been reflecting on my last number of posts & thinking about how there are more falling apart posts then posts about hope, gratitude & moving forward.  The thing is, I wonder if by falling apart, if by having the emotions rush uncontrollably, if sinking rather than swimming is moving forward.  The shock wore off a while back, but maybe my mind simply repressed my ability to really experience my grief.  I have struggled to access the tears, often feeling like a heartless bitch, that I can't even cry for my own son.  Maybe my mind has unlocked this part & I am moving forward by being able to move back.  Back to the depth of despair, back to feeling breathless, back to head swimming, back to public displays of emotion but forward to facing reality- as I cringe writing it b/c I am certainly not feeling ready nor wanting it to be reality.  Shitty reality - and the anger comes again...

I hate this journey.

whack job

Seems I'm a little sensitive these days...

Our family has a Sunday tradition, after breakfast we head to the local mall where there is a wonderful in-door play park (which is heaven in the winter & recently with all the rain we've been having).  This morning was not unlike the others, we headed over & our earth angel played full of joy, enjoying every second.  We've been so often that we now recognize many parents & children who seemingly have similar traditions.  This morning there were some new faces...this morning there was a woman with her husband and son, pregnant & looking like what I imagine I would if James was still with us.  This morning my heart broke, this morning I held it together just barely as I supervised my earth angel while he played.  When my husband came to relieve me, I barely had one shoe on before I couldn't hold it in any longer & was a broken down, sobbing mess in the middle of the mall.  I secluded myself in the family washroom where I could close the door behind me & slide down the door crouching & sobbing.

This felt familiar, like the first or second week after James died - I wept  until I was worried that my husband might be worried & then I tried to collect myself & headed back out - red eyes, face - obviously crying.  The people must have thought - what a whack job - crying at the children's play park...if only they knew...

I'm starting to wonder when I'm going to regain my sanity.  Seems this struggle is getting harder with each passing day.

Overflowing with love & longing for you my beautiful boy - Mommy xoxoxo

It's not fair

Funny how the mind works, constantly processing, making connections.  Seems my mind has been linking the most random of things back to James. 

I had a moment in the memorial last week, where the feeling of "it's not fair" poured over me, except this time I wasn't angry - just grief stricken.  Since that time, I have found most things falling into that category - most of which I somehow manage to link back to James.  Pregnant bellies, dates on the calendar, children at the local kidsfest, children dancing, laughing, sun shining, rain falling, feeling tired, feeling burnt out, feeling alone in my everyday world, watching my earth angel. 

As his date draws nearer, I am slowly losing steam, like the air slowly leaking out of a balloon.  I am having a harder & harder time doing the most minor things - getting out of bed, getting focused, working, holding my patience, talking on the phone, feeling optimistic...  I long for that patient silence, the one that is warm with mutual understanding & support.  I don't want to be talked into being strong, pep talked if you will into putting one foot in front of the other.  I want to be allowed to sink from time to time, I want to rest my tired heart & broken soul for a moment.  I want to be given the right to give into the battle - I want to be able to grieve, not pretend, not be expected to go through the motions of the daily grind, not be asked to reflect whether I am at risk of depression. 

The following quote spoke to me this past week from the facebook page Silent Grief - Child Loss support:

Parental bereavement is a normal reaction to a totally abnormal event. Why, then, do so many people "not get it" when bereaved parents act "lost" for a long, long time following the loss of their child? -- Clara Hinton

On a different note, how does one repair and/or salvage relationships when you don't even have a grip on your own mind?  They say tragedy makes or breaks relationships - well mine looks broken & even though I want to fix it, I don't know how, I don't even know myself anymore....
Frustrated & tired tonight.  Missing you every second James xoxoxoxox Mommy

Rainbow

For the first time since James died I saw a rainbow.  It hung in the sky after a weekend of unexpectedly decent weather but one where we seemed to be waiting for the clouds & rain to come.  Then finally a storm with all the wind, rain & power you would expect, except that before it was done it hung a rainbow in the sky.

For the first time I thought maybe the rainbows perfection sparkled b/c James had sent it to me or maybe was smiling behind it.  I've been waiting for a signal, a sign and I'm hoping this was it.  That my angel baby sent me a little reprieve from the storm that keeps raging in my mind & heart these days.  If it is, I thank you my darling angel, mommy needed to feel & see your essence again. 

Here is a quote from the Silent Grief - Child loss page on facebook that resonated with me today:

Well meaning people can say some of the most off-the-cuff things when trying to help. Sometimes the most comfort comes from a hug and a shared tear. --Clara Hinton

Holding the rainbow in my heart & grateful for my children tonight.

basket case

I have struggled in my journey to date at releasing the tears that I watch others shed in group meetings etc.  Apparently my floodgates only open when I'm at the hospital.  Last night, I surprised myself, I managed this time to make it through the drive & even the walk inside the hospital.  But, when I saw that familiar face - the RN - who is a gentle sweet kind person - standing at the entrance of the memorial & we began to speak I knew then I was headed back to basket caseville. 

We had our earth angel with us & before I was even done placing him in the stroller, I couldn't hold back the tears.  The music started - Blackbird by Sara McLaughlin - and that was it was in the full throws of grief - all over again.  The room was quiet & I had to hold in the sobs though I could barely draw a breath.  I realized sitting there that it is still so fresh, I 've just managed to put routines in place to make it possible for me to move forward.

The night was very thoughtful, words of comfort, poems, musicians & songs, stories of personal loss & strength, reflections.  There were only a few moments that I really could have lived without - the stories of g-ds love - I haven't been able to reunite with my faith & at the end a combination of a song with lyrics from Somewhere over the rainbow & Wonderful life - there's nothing wonderful about this life without James or any of the other angels whose parents were missing them deeply.  I guess I should remember to just be grateful that our angels were honoured & that unless you've felt the emptiness you could have no way of intuitively knowing.   I guess I was extra sensitive yesterday.

Today i am a mess, my eyes are so swollen I can barely open them, my head still pounding from the raw un-restricted emotion & exhaustion from the grief.

In spite of the above, I want to recognize the things I am grateful for: meeting Lea - so tremendously overdue & such a great honour to see & watch her delivering her love & hope for healing, the hospital for acknowledging the deepness of our losses, the significance of our children to us & the world that goes on without them, my husband for allowing me to stay when Jeven had to leave b/c he was being a toddler, this online community for listening & for James who has transformed my life - not sure into what yet, but maybe for making me a work in progress - hopefully for the better.

James, I need strength to get through this Friday, a day when I yearn to climb under the covers & simply think & cry for you.  I am so incredibly blessed for the love you have showed me exists inside me & others that I never knew about.  Missing you beyond words. xoxoxo Mommy

Remembering lost angels..

The hospital where James was born is hosting an event called "Remembering lost angels" tonight.  I think that this is incredibly touching to see, a medical institution honouring the souls of those lost & trying to help in the healing of those left behind.  Yet one more surprise to add to this list of kindnesses that are unexpected.

I am also beyond terrified of returning the hospital, the last time I was there (my follow up appointment) I couldn't control my emotions, my pain so deep I & sadness so overwhelming it still haunts me.  I have tried to reassure myself, we won't be in the same area with the hope that somehow that helps - but if I'm being honest, even the thought of returning there makes me want to cry. 

A friend & mentor in my journey will be there - she, I just learned will be speaking & more exciting we'll meet in person for the first time.  I am harnessing all of this excitement to push me forward when my pain & fear make me want to hold back.  I want to honour my son, I want to honour the other lost sons & daughters, I want nothing to hold me back.  But I am afraid of the emotions, I don't want to hurt like that again.

Realizing this will be a hard day & likely tomorrow too - going to try and be kind & gentle with myself today.  I also just (and had to add this after originally posting rather then starting a totally new post) realized that today is 4 months exactly since we lost James, 4 months exactly since I was in that hospital, on that floor, in that room - today is going to be harder then I originally thought.  Needing all the strength I can muster today.

Always remembering & hoping to honour you tonight James.  Love ,Mommy.

Rain, rain, go away

Today is a hard day, not sure why -maybe the dreary weather, maybe allergies making me feel extra heavy, maybe more firsts weighing on me. 

Saw some friends for the first time since James died today & I found myself searching for the natural connection I have always felt & banter that has gone back & forth.  It was missing today, I hope they will be patient with me, I love them so, but found some of our conversations like little stabs in my soul.  Here's my internal dialogue as I waited for it all to end:  Eyes down & hold it together, catch your breath & breath in & out. Bathroom break to be alone, take my mask off for a moment then screw it back on & start all over again.  What a terrible thing, to have to pretend.

A few days back, I thought someone I had been following through blogger who lives half a world away was going to harm herself.  I tried everything I could to reach out, connect with people who might know her to try and save her & in the end, she was fine.  I remember thinking that I didn't join this community to watch someone die.  Despite working with people as part of my professional life who struggle with these issues daily, this one felt very personal.  It's like, I am afraid of so many things & now I'm afraid of making connections with others only to lose them.  This incident has reminded me of how totally powerless we are in this life & that feeling reminds me of how I felt right after James died.

I guess I had under estimated the connections I have felt with all those out there regardless of the  physical distance.  So many have helped me & so many give me hope.  To feel like I almost lost one, terrifies me.

James I miss you. Please ask the angels of mommy's who need them to keep them safe.  I need to feel you near, it feels like it's been too long -please won't you come visit me in my dreams - hold my hand for a minute and smile for me?  Needing you tonight my angel.