It's not fair

Funny how the mind works, constantly processing, making connections.  Seems my mind has been linking the most random of things back to James. 

I had a moment in the memorial last week, where the feeling of "it's not fair" poured over me, except this time I wasn't angry - just grief stricken.  Since that time, I have found most things falling into that category - most of which I somehow manage to link back to James.  Pregnant bellies, dates on the calendar, children at the local kidsfest, children dancing, laughing, sun shining, rain falling, feeling tired, feeling burnt out, feeling alone in my everyday world, watching my earth angel. 

As his date draws nearer, I am slowly losing steam, like the air slowly leaking out of a balloon.  I am having a harder & harder time doing the most minor things - getting out of bed, getting focused, working, holding my patience, talking on the phone, feeling optimistic...  I long for that patient silence, the one that is warm with mutual understanding & support.  I don't want to be talked into being strong, pep talked if you will into putting one foot in front of the other.  I want to be allowed to sink from time to time, I want to rest my tired heart & broken soul for a moment.  I want to be given the right to give into the battle - I want to be able to grieve, not pretend, not be expected to go through the motions of the daily grind, not be asked to reflect whether I am at risk of depression. 

The following quote spoke to me this past week from the facebook page Silent Grief - Child Loss support:

Parental bereavement is a normal reaction to a totally abnormal event. Why, then, do so many people "not get it" when bereaved parents act "lost" for a long, long time following the loss of their child? -- Clara Hinton

On a different note, how does one repair and/or salvage relationships when you don't even have a grip on your own mind?  They say tragedy makes or breaks relationships - well mine looks broken & even though I want to fix it, I don't know how, I don't even know myself anymore....
Frustrated & tired tonight.  Missing you every second James xoxoxoxox Mommy