I miss you everyday but the last few have seemed particularly poignant.  I've had strange dreams where I am missing you & crying for you, I've heard songs that previously were just background music on my drive into work but now bring me to tears as the words resonate with the absence of you. 

Feb 12, 2011 we held a memorial service in your honour.  It was one of the most painful mornings in my life.  We got to hold you again, unexpectedly - I was so grateful, yet unprepared.  I had to put you down and have your casket closed - it was like having you ripped from my body & heart all over again.  I watched those who had come to pay respects & support us, I noticed those who were absent, I watched Jev play & come back over & over as if to comfort me- he seemed so wise & tuned in on that day.  I fell apart when everyone left & it was only you, Papa & I - pain & grief so deep I lost my strength to support my own legs.  Half an hour later, it was the sound of your brother's cries that snapped me back to composure.  We had to leave you, how we wanted to pick you up in your bed and take you home with us, but that wasn't meant to be.

As we approach that date one year later, my subconscious has raised you to my consciousness.  Like everything else in this journey, nothing is the way you would expect. 

Stay near angel as Mommy holds you close in my heart and remembers those precious moments when we were together again, no matter how briefly. 

xoxoxo Mommy