Nuit blanche

As I think about our most recent nuit blanche I can't help but reflect on all the things that have happened since 2012 began.  I realize of course that things didn't exclusively begin in 2012 but rather everything that has happened since the new year has been painted various shades of colour as a result of the "new" normal we live everyday.

I work with people everyday, people who live in impossible situations, people who have to shift their lives, way of thinking just to cope from moment to moment.  What I often see is that these people will often fall into a pattern of moving from one crisis to the other, crisis that they themselves create b/c they don't know how to live any other way.  These clients are among the most draining - but you are always reminded to be grateful for not having to live a day in their shoes.

For me, I am wondering if I am slowly becoming one of them...I feel like I have lived in a constant state of anxiety and moved from crisis to crisis since Jan 1. I wonder if resilience, which is often assumed to be innate, can exceed it's capacity & backfire creating a state of constant anxiety & need for crisis.  I have had some dark thoughts, I live in anticipation of the next "thing" going wrong.  I don't feel myself, I am irritable, emotional and anxious all the time.  My midwife is concerned I am having prenatal anxiety.

I try and explain it this way, imagine, your only surviving child is sick constantly, not just a little bit sick but very sick.  Now imagine your worst fear being that this child will die too - and each time you try and convince yourself maybe it'll just be a cold this time, it's not and the doctors no matter how many you see can't make him feel better.  Imagine your child having a seizure in your arms, imagine your child struggling for breath, imagine your child crying for relief that you can't provide them.  Now imagine your second child died and you miss him but can't access him b/c your every waking thought is your oldest will die too & that you won't be able to go on.  Add if you can, the responsibility of carrying a 3rd unborn child whose safe entry into this world depends completely on you.  Maybe add some sleep deprivation in there, financial pressures, work pressures, husband with a medical condition of his own with complications and ask yourself - would you feel anxious? 

A long winded way to ask, am I really dong so badly? Would anyone else feel anything other then anxiety, emotional, frustrated and stressed? 

My only lingering thought comes from the research I did on prenatal anxiety - babies born to moms with prenatal anxiety are more likely to be sick & require medications and/or have a higher risk of ADD/ADHD. Oy - talk about anxiety provoking!  I can't help but wonder when this ripple effect stops?  What can I be doing to make things better for everyone?  Is this the common plight for those fortunate enough to experience pregnancy after loss? Or is this is just the ramblings of another white night?

still tucked away...

I've had some time to really mull over my post from yesterday.  The sentiments of my post are still true and  I realize that it is one of my more raw & dark posts - of recent anyhow.  In recent months I've blogged about how my posts seem to lack hope & worried openly about what this means about my journey.  I think that especially over the last 24 hours I've come to realize it's not that I lack hope but rather that I hide my hope, even from myself.   All the little whispers that allow me to carry on - I keep them close, maybe even deny they are there.  I feel that there is so much unknown, including this 3rd child who is yet to be born, that I am afraid to be hopeful b/c I do feel cursed and/or that Murphy's law will rear it's ugly head like it always does and I'll have to start from scratch, again.

I recognize however, that I could never have carried on, made it this far, chosen to try to bring another child into this world if I didn't hold onto hope.  I just hold it close and keep it quiet & then when things go wrong I feel an overwhelming sense of loss of control (that dredded feeling), disappointment in myself, anger at life & grief for all the "should" haves and my still tender heart which misses James.  This blog as much I need it to be about hope, is also about a safe place to openly vent my grievances with life's never ending twists and turns & the hope that anyone who reads it, still knows the light of hope - mostly that I will see my precious angel James again some day - flickers, all be it dimly some days.

I want to thank Cheryl for your comment, reading the other mom's blog was very humbling & opened a new door in my mind.  While I'm not sure where my rift with god will lead me, the post itself was inspiring and I feel it helped me refocus, take a breath & get some perspective back.  I am completly grateful that you took the time to comment & link me to some fresh perspective, on a day when I felt lost & without purpose.

James - missing you and hoping that although I make mistakes, that I can still make you proud. 

xoxoxo Mommy

Regrets

What if despite everything you decided that you would try and stay focused to be sure you lived up to be the "best" mom you possibly could be, for your child here on this earth and the one in heaven.   What if you struggled but knew that nothing this important comes easily or without moments of doubt.  What if despite all your best efforts, you didnt' listen to yourself when it really mattered & something preventable happened?  What if now you are a failure, what if now, trying, pushing on, having faith is all for nothing b/c you know you can't/won't be able to do it.

I have felt over the years that I am cursed, so many trials, so many obsticles to overcome but hopeful that there will be a change in luck, or that it would pay off some day.  If I am cursed, I never believed I could pass it onto my kids - that is one thing I cant' live with.   I draw the line at my children - I am not a religious person for exactly this reason, how can children suffer like this without any good reason?  How can the unfairness of life spoil the innocence of childhood.  No good reason, no sense.

My deepest regrets go out to my children for letting them down & failing when it was my time to come through.

I miss you everyday but the last few have seemed particularly poignant.  I've had strange dreams where I am missing you & crying for you, I've heard songs that previously were just background music on my drive into work but now bring me to tears as the words resonate with the absence of you. 

Feb 12, 2011 we held a memorial service in your honour.  It was one of the most painful mornings in my life.  We got to hold you again, unexpectedly - I was so grateful, yet unprepared.  I had to put you down and have your casket closed - it was like having you ripped from my body & heart all over again.  I watched those who had come to pay respects & support us, I noticed those who were absent, I watched Jev play & come back over & over as if to comfort me- he seemed so wise & tuned in on that day.  I fell apart when everyone left & it was only you, Papa & I - pain & grief so deep I lost my strength to support my own legs.  Half an hour later, it was the sound of your brother's cries that snapped me back to composure.  We had to leave you, how we wanted to pick you up in your bed and take you home with us, but that wasn't meant to be.

As we approach that date one year later, my subconscious has raised you to my consciousness.  Like everything else in this journey, nothing is the way you would expect. 

Stay near angel as Mommy holds you close in my heart and remembers those precious moments when we were together again, no matter how briefly. 

xoxoxo Mommy