Altruism

A younger relative of mine is flirting with the larger ideologies of our greatest minds.  Altruism & benevolence being two of them.  She posted looking for an honest debate about if these concepts are real & I am reminded of when I too tossed these ideas around, I think I arrived at the conclusion that altruism was not real.

I weighed in on the topic posted, and replied to the question, "do altruism & benevolence exist", yes & yes. As I sorted through my mind, I realized, my belief has changed.  When did I become an optimist?  Before James died, I didn't believe people could change, I never had faith in strangers, believed staunchly in bystander apathy and had begun to work hard to suppress my own instincts to help others.  Wow, reflecting on this, I was living a dark, unenlightened path for more reasons then I am willing to delve into here but sad all the same.  Then, my life was shattered,  everything I believed, all the life lessons learned, everything I had worked for, demolished when James died.  Then came the choices no parent wants to ever have to make.  The ones that we have all made, second guessed, regretted & wished could have been different.  And then, in the midst of the darkness came the light.  The kindness of those who I had all but sold out, strangers.  Strangers from every corner bursting with compassion, love, support, patience and brought the light with them.

So as I wondered about altruism, I realized this new found optimism is a result of my son.  Out of his death has come a belief in people.  Strange.  At the time of his death, I would have not believed this could be possible.

As I watched the debate about whether these concepts exist, I thought about all those of us who have had to make horrible medical decisions for our children, chose death for our children, make the choices knowing our children are already dead, and have come to believe that it is we the benevolent.  It is us, the altruistic.  It is us the community of international bereaved parents who are trying to heal & grieving together, healing each other.   Through our blogs, comments, reflections we make each others children's lives matter & there is no greater gift and in my mind nothing more altruistic in the world. 

Flavours of hope

Funny how this journey changes the flavours of life.  Before, when I heard of those fighting illness, I spewed hope, hope that they person would be well & most of the time I believed it would be true.  Today, the sick child I spoke of a few posts ago was confirmed to be fighting a life & death battle with cancer.  My immediate gut reaction, hope.  Hope that he would not lose his battle, not be one of the 10% whose cancer doesn't go into remission, that don't recover.

The family has asked for positive thoughts, prayers.  Those I have in abundance, but I am almost positive that my prayers & hopes and wishes are a different flavour then others.  While others will pray for health, I will pray for death to stay away.  I know they sound close, maybe even close enough to those how haven't walked this path to not notice the difference, but I notice.  I remember being one "them", only in this situation I feel like I have an advantage, I am painfully aware that this fight isn't even and that he can lose.  My prayer for him is to kick the cancer's ass & death's ass in the process, my prayer for his family is that they never have to walk this path.  My pledge is that should they find themselves walking it, I will walk with them.

In the mean time, loving & relishing my living children with gratitude to have them.

Prayers for Gabriel tonight.

Pardon My Grief - Still Standing Magazine

Closure.  A concept that I think I subscribed to in my pre-loss days, although I'm not sure how vehemently.  Closure, a concept that has been prescribed to me by many since James died & I have come to completely rebuff.  I knew loss before James died, but the concept of closure still seemed worthy enough to accept.  But after, well there can never be a time when I can walk away from the empty chair at my table, missing loot bag at our parties, missing T-ball & school pictures on the mantle, missing laughter in our play.

As I have begun volunteering for our local Pregnancy and Infant loss network providing parent support to those new to this journey, the concept of closure re-emerges.  Hearing the the rambling cries of anger and despair in these loss mamas, tears the heart.  I am still shocked to be almost 2.5 year into this journey, feels like forever, but when I write the number it doesn't seem so long at all.  And closure, well, when I travel from this earth to my beautiful son waiting for me at the golden gates & see his face again & feel the weight of his body in my arms, I will have closure.

See an incredible piece of writing and a clip by a genius woman talking about the concept of closure below.    She experienced the still birth of her daughter  I found this inspirational, relateable and insightful.  Completely worth the time it takes to read & watch!

Pardon My Grief - Still Standing Magazine

Missed you at Ewan's birthday party this weekend sweet boy.  Love you, xoxo Mommy

3 newborns & a sick kid

Have you heard of or perhaps even seen the movie 4 weddings & a funeral?  Well, life seems a bit relateable to that today.

3 babies have been born in last little while, 2 rainbows and 1 long and anxiously awaited.  My heart has begun to genuinely soar for those birthing healthy live babies again, something that seemed forever lost in the days & months following James' death.  Today I can say, I feel joy for them, hope for them, love again.

In the midst of all the joy, we learned a little boy whom we have known for some time, he has gone to the same childcare centres with our eldest and his mother & younger brother have been part of the baby programs we've participated, is sick.  We've learned he has been very sick for about 6 weeks & just had surgery to hopefully put him on the path to recovery.  He fighting & his parents & the rest of us are praying.

3 newborns with hopes, dreams, potential & love.  1 sick kid with hopes, dreams, potential, fear, prayer & love.  

Praying for Gabriel tonight.

#3

Hard to believe that this was my 3rd mother's day without James.  He would only be 2 but b/c our loss was so early, mother's day came before he would have been due & after he was already gone.

This year, much like last, was more gentle then the one before.

This year, our first with rainbow Ewan included a beautiful gift.  He is a great hugger, very affectionate by nature.  I have often looked at him or felt him snuggle in & felt close to James, like he possesses a portal by which James is just a little bit closer.   On mother's day he reached out with both hands wrapped his sweet arms around me, buried his head in my chest and squeezed me so tight.  As he let go, I thought, I wish I had stopped & savoured that hug.  Then he did it again only this time I could almost feel 4 hands, little fingers wrapped around my arms squeezing so incredibly tight that it didn't seem like one baby should be strong enough to do it.  The depth of that hug was incredible and it lasted long & strong.  As I breathed in & enjoyed every second of it, I felt as if my missing son had reached through space & time and hugged me with his younger brother.  For a second I got lost in a dream scape where I felt him in my arms & then joy, such joy.   Then reality stepped in & Ewan continued to hug & the tears flooded in.  Tears of joy, tears of absence & tears of anticipation for the next time I can hold my son James in my arms again.

My mother's day was made & broken in a single hug, but I wouldn't trade it or change it.  What a gift, to feel like I am holding him in my arms.  I will dwell in that moment for some time.  Best feeling I've had in the almost 2.5 years since he's been gone, outside of holding Ewan alive & healthy after his birth ofcourse :) .

Love to you my sweet baby James.  miss you xo  Mommy

On Ranking Losses - Still Standing Magazine

On Ranking Losses - Still Standing Magazine

I believe we have all felt judged, had our grief ranked & maybe even ranked ourselves at times as we have come to hear other stories of loss, I know I have.  This sentence however, from the above article, literally took my breath away as I read it; "What levels the playing field is the fact that, this side of eternity, not one of us will ever see the faces of our precious little ones again."

Missing you my sweet boy.  xoxo Mommy

Life in questions

Loss causes you to reflect.  Loss makes you re-evaluate, loss makes you shift priorities, embrace things, reject others.  Loss makes you question, question everything.

I am questioning everything.  As I reflect, I cast my mind back to times, choices, opportunities, career, decisions as far back as my mind will let me go.  I see clearly with hindsight the choices I made with best of intentions that were flawed.   I cast my mind to those who watched me err in my ways and wonder how?

I envy those around me that I see with things I believe were once within my reach, back in time & I wonder how life would be different.

Things that I would never change rush to the forefront.  The things I am grateful for flash in mind, but a sense of regret, resentment for things lost remains.

Questions about the future, conviction to change what I can, learn from past mistakes & hope that I can rise from the proverbial ashes of my life, my son's short life, my life without my touchstone & guardian; Meme.