Rainbow Ewan

Happy to announce the safe arrival of our rainbow, Ewan James, on June 8, 2012 weighing 8lbs, 11oz. 

We are completely filled with gratitude for our miracle.  Gratitude filled with bittersweet moments & the fear it will all somehow be snatched away again.  Funny how at stage of this journey nothing is the same, the happy moments so much happier b/c we know how fleeting those moments can be & the uncertain moments so scary b/c we know there are no guarantees.

Wondering how James would have looked, how much hair, what colour hair & eyes, about the sound of his cry, how he would have smelled etc. 

Choosing to believe some of James' essence is within Ewan & hoping that he grows up knowing the significance of his middle name.

I look in his face & truly see a miracle.  Our miracle - thank you James.

Sending love your way sweet boy & gratitude for you & all the lessons you have taught us that allows us to cherish your brothers. 

Mommy xoxoxo

What is it about a particular place that can make your senses rush with memories and feelings like you are right back on that day?

We have been waiting for our littlest boy to come into the world & I am now past due enough that I have to go in for testing to make sure he is doing well & things remain healthy.   what this means is that I have to head to hospital for these battery of tests & try as I might that is and always will be an emotionally loaded experience.  Yesterday was no exception. 

My fears were that I would have to go the clinic, pass by "the" room but I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.  At first it seemed I might be able to avoid that hallway, the one with "the" room and familiar faces, but in the end I found myself walking that dreaded hallway, seeing a custodian coming out of "the" room emptying the garbage, understanding someone else had started this terrible journey.  I took a breath & tried to compose myself & focus as I made my way toward the clinic office.  As I stood there trying to sort through a blunder with appointments, I was fighting to keep composure, with emotions running high, senses rushing with flashbacks, especially as I saw that one particular nurse, so kind, so gentle with her back towards me.

They eventually sorted things out and as part of their routine questions getting ready to move me to start the procedure asked if I'd been in the clinic before.  I answered yes in a fog but on the loss side, the woman without skipping a beat asked me the year, I however, was so overwhelmed that I stuttered trying to find the answer.  Needless to say, when we began the procedure my blood pressure was high as it seemed reminders were everywhere.  The nurse assumed that it was from being bumped around trying to figure out where to go for the appointment - I corrected her explaining how emotional being there was for me, how directly behind me is "the" room.  She glossed over it and told me to watch TV and relax, we'd take my blood pressure again. 

In the end, our baby passed the test & things appear to be healthy.  My blood pressure remained high & I got out of there as fast as I could knowing I'll be back on Friday if our little boy isn't born before then.  I left the hospital feeling like I was back in the those early dark days, head pounding, in a fog, unable to process basic things, disinterest in everything, just wanting to crawl into bed & disappear beneath the covers.  What a powerful thing, a place, a person, a room can be.

Today, I need to refocus - relax, return to hope for a healthy birth & hope this doesn't act as a set back, locking down my body preventing this baby from coming in his own time. 

Right in front of me

My homeopathic induction took place later in the afternoon on Wednesday.  It was unlike anything I expected - this was my first experience with homeopathy & was a great experience.  Some of the conversation surprised me & some of the questions linger with me still.

She asked me to talk about James, our experience, his birth, what his life & death has brought into our lives, what I thought the purpose of all this was.  It has been so long since I've spoken out loud about him, our time together, and our story of loss.  It felt good, it felt awful.  Images of him raced forward in my mind, like flashbacks & I could almost feel the weight of his body in my hands again.  I realized that one of my greatest fears was that I would forget - we were not fortunate enough to have pictures, or foot/hand prints provided for us - but now I realize that is simply not possible.  Do I still wish for the tangible items, absolutely, do I think I'll forget, not any more, not a chance.

Not surprisingly she felt that my experience with James could be blocking labour b/c of my anxiety and all the emotions connected to that experience.  The induction would be focused on addressing anxiety and she gave me 2 remedies to manage it.

She also asked me to sit with the idea that our unborn could feel that I was afraid he would die.  How that must feel for him?  Talk about conflict of emotion - first a rush of guilt, I never want my children to be affected negatively by my fears, then a rush of anxiety, but I know better then anyone that his death is not just fear, it's a real possibilityy, it is other people's realities. 

We agreed that I need to focus on a vision of what I want-her word, hope - my word, the birth to be like.  She encouraged me to be present with this little boy, that he is what is what is in front of me & I need to connect to him. 

The irony is that for a while, I have felt that I have been spending so much time trying to connect with our unborn, caring for our eldest and everything in between, that I have lost time connecting with James.  I think of him everyday, multiple times a day but just haven't had the time to stop & connect.  Here's the irony, it would seem from an outsider perspective that I have spent more time connecting to him & our experience & not enough to our soon to be youngest.  Now I'm left wondering which is it?   

Last night, with thoughts, hopes & fears streaming through my mind, my locket slipped into the palm of my hand.  I felt immediately that James was there letting me know he is in my heart & reassuring me that despite all the doubt & fear that he is present & will hold my hand.

So the homeopathic induction didn't work but it was a positive experience, loaded with emotion and reminding me my James is present & strong.

In the mean time we keep waiting for our rainbow with hope.

Missing you my angel boy xoxox  Mommy

Hope & homeopathy

What a difference a few hours can make.  Had I waited before posting my original post, it may have had a very different flavour - but it represents the truth & that is the beauty of this forum. 

B/c I am using midwifery care, they provided me with a connection to a Homeopath who does homeopathic inductions.  Before James died, I am sure that my doubts about this kind of treatment would have prevented me from being open minded enough to consider it.  After, and after especially watching all the documentaries, I am motivated to do anything that can help bring our unborn safely into this world.  Don't get me wrong, I still have doubts, they just aren't going to stop me.

I contacted her today to schedue a homeopathic induction - sounds like remedies etc to help move things along & I am reassured by my midwives that it is safe for both me & this baby. 

It is during this conversation that I was struck, I was honest about James' delivery and she was like a rocket, zeroing in on my anxiety, fear, sense of danger.  She spoke of the power of the mind to block labour if there is fear or doubt, she spoke of the sensitivity of babies to mother's feelings of danger & reassured me my body and baby can do this.  It was at the point of reassurance that my body can do this that my doubt raged in - my body can do this? I thought, it couldn't do this last time, my baby boy didn't have a chance to do this last time.  I was angry and frustrated.  Then I took a breath and thought, what if my greatest fear influences the outcome.  What happens if I don't make the effort to re-focus on hope rather then certainty & put in a little work, even if it feels unconventional, b/c a safe delivery is more important then my doubts?

So, I have some homework - try and focus on my first birth experience & pull out moments that made me feel confident in my body, positive moments to focus on & words that can help bring me back there when my doubts creep in.   

I see her Wednesday & I am scared & intrigued at the same time.  I guess I'd better get to work on being present & positive. 

The Homeopath's name is Piper Martin, she also writes a pregnancy blog & her focus of work is on homeopathic pregnancy.  I'm going to attach a link for anyone interested in her work, blog, philosophy etc - she seems like a phenomenal woman.   http://www.pipermartin.com/

Waiting for our rainbow to come

I haven't blogged about this topic for a while to quell my mounting fear as we approached the coveted finish line.  Today however, I feel waves of emotion that somehow seem might only makes sense to those who may have also found themselves at this strange intersection in this journey.

Today is the day - the day that was estimated to be the due date for our hopeful rainbow to our family.  Today he remains tightly tucked inside & keeping us waiting with hopeful expectations.  Today is suppose to bring some clarity according to my midwife - all I know is that my strategy on how to cope with this most out of control & terrifying adventure has been suspended as we sit and wait.

For me the notion of clarity is knowing all the things that could possibly go wrong.  Hope on the other hand is the shred that I hang onto that we will have our miracle, our rainbow & not leave with empty arms, again.  As for today bringing some sense of resolution, so far it has brought tears but no revelations other then I am hopeful & afraid.

Up to a few weeks back, my strategy had been, small milestones.  Set my mind to focus on the next appointment, mini milestone b/c the big picture was far to overwhelming & frightening.  I became very good at focusing and redirecting my anxieties back to the next critical date.  Now there are no dates, just waiting.

For me, waiting has been torture, my anxiety has escalated & I admit become intrusive at times.  I am afraid he will die before or during delivery.  All I can do is focus on his precious movements, kicks, hiccups, they are all I have to cling to as we wait.  James is always forefront in my mind & I have coordinated being able to keep his locket with me during delivery - I can't do this without having him there.  I have always hoped that his essence will be present and protect us & his little brother during his most vulnerable moments. 

I also admit that I have indulged my neuroses on occasion, watching documentaries about birthing and impact of drugs and the medical systems' standardisation of birth.  It has absolutely fed my fear about how some interventions can negatively impact the outcome.  I keep reminding myself & saying out loud just to make it real that we are motivated to do what ever it takes to have a live & healthy baby, bottom line.

As I cling to that shred of hope, I believe I can do this. Now all we have to do is wait & pray. 

Editors response

Find below the response from one of the editors at the Toronto Star in response to the complaint made re: the thoughtless & hurtful headline:

Hi,
Undertstand that the writers of articles do not generally write the headlines on them. I agree that one is insensitive and will pass your comments on to the appropriate person.
Sincerely
Jim Slotek

Not sure how I feel about this response.  Acknowledgement yes, but feels a little like a brush off to me.  Maybe I'm too sensitive but a two liner response? And where's the apology?

Am I just being a hormonal, sensitive girl?  What are your thoughts? 

Ignorance in the media - again!

I found the below comment from a mom who was flipping through the Toronto Star yesterday and to her horror came across more thoughtless print.  Here is what she wrote:

In the Entertainment section of today's newspaper (The Toronto Star) an editor was reviewing the movie "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" They gave it a very poor rating but what insulted me the most was the headline they used. "PREGNANCY COMEDY BASED ON SELF-HELP BOOK IS STILLBORN"

She immediately wrote the paper with her concern & complaint & it has since been changed in their online version of the paper.  First, an acknowledgement of her spirit to take action, I know there was a time when I would have been so stunned that I wouldn't have had the courage to do the same.  Second, shame & disappointment with the paper for allowing such a thing to go to print, this means the writer, editor & whatever other screening agents who are paid to scrutinise material before it goes to print, saw & thought no issue with what was about to go to print.  If it had been the Toronto Sun, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, the Star however, I had a higher expectations.

Mike and I were speaking about it & we agreed that the longer it sat with us and we thought about it, the worse of a blow it felt.  He spoke about media using shock factor to reel in its audience and wondered out loud if this was an unfortunate example of this.  I guess I am more hopeful or naive, hoping that it is the thoughtlessness & ignorance rearing it's ugly head...again.

Either way definitely not something I am prepared to leave unspoken to.  I feel like there have been too many of these recently & so I am committed to do my part & write in and share my disappointment in the quality and lack judgement that the paper chose to exercise here.  I have asked for more info from the above mom to help me direct my concerns - if you are so inclined to share your thoughts with the paper or here in this forum, please feel free.  I would love to hear your feedback & thoughts.

xoxo angel - Mommy misses you.