It's almost that time of year again. Your second birthday is just around the corner & I have been trying to wrap my mind around the reality that you were here & gone 2 years ago. The holidays are over, seasonal colds/flus are ravaging our home & I am keeping busy trying to take care of your brothers all the while just slightly choked b/c I am missing you.
Your papa & I are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary on the 19th & heading to Niagara falls for a few days. We've decided to bring you with us. Niagara Falls is such a special place for our family that we want a piece of you there with us as we celebrate your birthday on the 20th & forever more. We will be pouring some of your ashes over the falls so you will always be with us when we visit. We'll also be sending you balloons with our special messages again this year. We'll sing you happy birthday and share some cake too, your birthday is a special time for us & we hope the angels make it special for you in heaven too.
I'll be making donations again this year in your memory, some the same as last year, others not. I'll also be compiling a play list of music that reminds me of your little face & huge impact on my world. I'll hopefully figure out how to post it here.
Unrelated: An angel mommy has been reunited with her angel baby. While i was sad to hear she had passed on, leaving her husband and young daughter, I remembered that she was reunited with her baby girl. This is my dream, to see you James upon my passing but I know I have much to still do here. Rachel, I hope your journey to Gabi was swift and that you are at peace with her in your arms once again.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Friday, 28 December 2012
Meme is coming
James I can just see you standing just inside the entrance way to heaven. Meme is coming soon & I am torn up thinking of this world without her but know what a wonderful group of family are waiting for her. She doesn't know you are waiting, I can't wait for her to meet you & care for you in her special way. Please take her hand as she steps in and help her feel settled and comfortable.
Welcome her in with Pepe, Tonton Maurice, Marie and all the others standing in wait. I know she is anxious to see you all. I will shed tears for her and for you my angel and wait to see you both again.
Sending love & searching for the courage to say goodbye.
xo Mommy
Welcome her in with Pepe, Tonton Maurice, Marie and all the others standing in wait. I know she is anxious to see you all. I will shed tears for her and for you my angel and wait to see you both again.
Sending love & searching for the courage to say goodbye.
xo Mommy
Friday, 14 December 2012
Monsters
These days my life is divided into 3 parts - Pre-loss, Post loss & today Pre-parent. All of these segments of my life are unique & vastly different from each other. As I passed through each, I was ultimately changed, evolving through the lessons that life felt obligated to impart on me.
In my pre-parent days I worked as a child protection worker. In that job, I learned quickly that monsters do exist. I have met, child abusers, pedophiles and all around bad people. I was often criticized for being childless & that this made me less qualified. In retrospect, I did miss some realities of being a parent but it allowed me to approach things impartially & protect children matter of factly. I have no doubt that I saved at least one life if not more in my 3+ years in this role.
After becoming a parent, I have often looked back on those pre-parent days and wondered how & if I could have done that work with the heart of a mother pulling my heart strings.
In my post loss self, I have not spent much time reflecting on those times, but the events of today in Connecticut have brought them back. I have seen people's reflections of anger, sorrow, grief and many spouting the shooter as a monster. My mind was taken back to my child protection days & I was reminded, monsters do exist. My mind immediately swelled with the pain & fear that parents must have felt waiting & praying for it to be anyone elses child, desperately waiting to see their children's face, eyes, feel their hugs, wipe their tears. I thought, James, you now have 20 new friends to welcome, guide & stay with until their parents join them on their passing.
I hugged my children, smelled them, kissed them and told them that no matter where they are, even in heaven, I will always come and find them.
Wishing a safe passage to all the children & lost staff from the massacre today & unabiding love, courage and strength to those left behind in the worst moments of their lives. Today, tomorrow and in your Pre & Post lives may you find those who can help make you move from moments to minutes to hours to days and beyond in this terrible grief cycle.
In my pre-parent days I worked as a child protection worker. In that job, I learned quickly that monsters do exist. I have met, child abusers, pedophiles and all around bad people. I was often criticized for being childless & that this made me less qualified. In retrospect, I did miss some realities of being a parent but it allowed me to approach things impartially & protect children matter of factly. I have no doubt that I saved at least one life if not more in my 3+ years in this role.
After becoming a parent, I have often looked back on those pre-parent days and wondered how & if I could have done that work with the heart of a mother pulling my heart strings.
In my post loss self, I have not spent much time reflecting on those times, but the events of today in Connecticut have brought them back. I have seen people's reflections of anger, sorrow, grief and many spouting the shooter as a monster. My mind was taken back to my child protection days & I was reminded, monsters do exist. My mind immediately swelled with the pain & fear that parents must have felt waiting & praying for it to be anyone elses child, desperately waiting to see their children's face, eyes, feel their hugs, wipe their tears. I thought, James, you now have 20 new friends to welcome, guide & stay with until their parents join them on their passing.
I hugged my children, smelled them, kissed them and told them that no matter where they are, even in heaven, I will always come and find them.
Wishing a safe passage to all the children & lost staff from the massacre today & unabiding love, courage and strength to those left behind in the worst moments of their lives. Today, tomorrow and in your Pre & Post lives may you find those who can help make you move from moments to minutes to hours to days and beyond in this terrible grief cycle.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Kate Middleton pregnant? Not everyone is celebrating.
This article is awesome. I could have used this read all those months ago when I hated myself for not being able to do anything but swallow hard, blink, hold back tears or rage at the news of anyone else's pregnancy.
Excellently written, honest & totally relateable.
Kate Middleton pregnant? Not everyone is celebrating. Mamamia
Excellently written, honest & totally relateable.
Kate Middleton pregnant? Not everyone is celebrating. Mamamia
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Incomprehensible Reality of Rainbow Motherhood | Still Standing Magazine
As the holidays race closer, I have found myself feeling a range of emotions. Not sure how to make sense of them, so I haven't blogged.
Came across this piece in the still standing magazine & it struck a chord.
The Incomprehensible Reality of Rainbow Motherhood | Still Standing Magazine
Came across this piece in the still standing magazine & it struck a chord.
The Incomprehensible Reality of Rainbow Motherhood | Still Standing Magazine
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Frankenstorm
Halloween festivities are in full swing despite hurricane Sandy & the wild weather we've been having. Costumes have been chosen, candy bought, pumpkins carved...I can't however, stop thinking about what this time of year would be like if James was still with us. He would be almost a year and half...what costume would he wear, what interests would he have, what would his personality be like? How wonderful it would be to watch him marvel over all the costumes, smile at every door, delight over the delicious candy & spin from the sugar rush with his brothers.
Hope the candy is sweet where you are angel.
xoxo Mommy
Hope the candy is sweet where you are angel.
xoxo Mommy
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Here I come
Talk about getting what you ask for...
In my last post I talked about giving back & the opportunity to "pay it forward" if you will. Well no sooner did I have the post out then another baby loss mom I came to know through the support group reached out to me. She shared the most wonderful news, she is anxiously expecting again & hoping to get some validation, strategies and reassurance that she isn't losing her mind from another rainbow mom. Not to mention hear anything other then the cliche congratulations and everything is going to be ok that those who we pray never have to walk in our shoes always say, but that we know better.
Not only did I send her some suggestions, we even got together. It was SO wonderful to see her, share in her guarded excitement I SO remember that feeling, hear her fears, relate to everything she said, feel normal again. I think I helped put a few things back in perspective & reassure her that while it is very different, far from enjoyable or carefree this time around, everything is totally normal. I listened to her, felt myself being transported back, shared my experiences & talked openly about James without feeling like I had to explain who, how & most importantly why. Her total acceptance, acknowledgement and joy for his life & his continued presence in mine, stirred something in me. It's been too long since I've felt normal. I need to get back to feeling normal, not just pretending to be.
Since then, I have been an emotional wreck, teary eyed, foggy headed, memory flash backs, enjoying tighter cuddles with the boys.
So, in my previous post I asked myself, ready or not? My answer is: watch out b/c here I come.
In my last post I talked about giving back & the opportunity to "pay it forward" if you will. Well no sooner did I have the post out then another baby loss mom I came to know through the support group reached out to me. She shared the most wonderful news, she is anxiously expecting again & hoping to get some validation, strategies and reassurance that she isn't losing her mind from another rainbow mom. Not to mention hear anything other then the cliche congratulations and everything is going to be ok that those who we pray never have to walk in our shoes always say, but that we know better.
Not only did I send her some suggestions, we even got together. It was SO wonderful to see her, share in her guarded excitement I SO remember that feeling, hear her fears, relate to everything she said, feel normal again. I think I helped put a few things back in perspective & reassure her that while it is very different, far from enjoyable or carefree this time around, everything is totally normal. I listened to her, felt myself being transported back, shared my experiences & talked openly about James without feeling like I had to explain who, how & most importantly why. Her total acceptance, acknowledgement and joy for his life & his continued presence in mine, stirred something in me. It's been too long since I've felt normal. I need to get back to feeling normal, not just pretending to be.
Since then, I have been an emotional wreck, teary eyed, foggy headed, memory flash backs, enjoying tighter cuddles with the boys.
So, in my previous post I asked myself, ready or not? My answer is: watch out b/c here I come.
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