Ready or not?

Ready or not here I come!  That game of hide and seek we all played as children, has found new meaning as I battle a game of am I ready or not to take this journey to the next level.  Only I am seeking meaning but find myself hiding.

I have wanted for some time to transform my experience into something meaningful for others.  It has been an extremely powerful & meaningful experience in my life & thanks to a few golden hearted people who have also been there & the help of our local Pregnancy and Infant loss (PAIL) Network, I am still standing and putting one step in front of the other, albeit harder some days then others.

I feel that my opportunity has knocked, ready or not..  Our local PAIL network reached out for parents to be panelists at their bi-annual training for physicians, nurses, midwives etc on sensitivity and early pregnancy and infant loss.  We are to tell our stories & touch on things that were helpful & others that we wished were different.  Our stories are to inform the practice of these professionals as they work with other parents entering this terrible journey.

I am so eager I am jumping out of my skin, ready or not..  My husband on the other hand is not so sure.  I wanted to sit together and tell our stories b/c I feel he has something valuable to contribute, but he isn't sure that allowing the memory to come flooding back won't be ripping the bandaid off his wounds.  While I think I understand, I still want to participate, but am scared no terrified.  I don't think I can go alone.  I'm thinking about asking a good friend to come with me, but I keep having to ask myself, if you have to go alone, can you do it?  should you do it?   I am to reply to the network with my preferred date, but  I am paralyzed by fear..fear of going alone, fear of the flood of emotions, fear of falling apart & being all alone, fear of feeling all alone and then looking around & realizing I am alone.  Why does something so important, so meaningful have to be so hard, feel like such a risk?  I guess the meaningful things generally involve some effort & risk?  or is it that I'm just not ready?

I also reached out and expressed my interest in becoming a facilitator to their open groups, ready or not..  Their response has been one of enthusiasm and I have cold feet.  It has been so long since I've had the opportunity to tell our story, live in that space and think about James and our time together and all the feelings that go along with it, that I worry, I am right for the role?  My head says, you always doubt yourself and prove yourself wrong, you are a trained professional and a survivor with lots of meaningful things to share.   But my heart says you hurt so much, can you really take the chance at making someone else's journey more painful if you're not ready....

So,  here I am at a stand torn between my good intentions and my doubts.  Ready or not...?  

What You Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone Who is Experiencing a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss | Naturally Knocked Up

Came across this piece in the Still standing magazine.  I have seen this kind of thing posted many different ways, but this one is particularly well written.  Written from the perspective of the person who has lost but in a way that I think those who haven't lost can appreciate.

Wish I could have shared this with others after we lost James, could have spared us many uncomfortable moments, hurt feelings and fractured relationships...or maybe not.

What You Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone Who is Experiencing a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss | Naturally Knocked Up

Our lost youth

This post isn't about my child but my heart is raging b/c another family now has to live without theirs.  Although I hadn't heard about this on the news - don't get to watch much of anything other then Treehouse these days...when I had some quiet moments, I read & then subsequently watched the Youtube video.  Since then, I am consumed with anger at how lost our youth have become & how technology has provided them with a lethal platform for mischief.  I can't even think about what I would do if this was happening to my children but I can only imagine the absolute torture her family is forever left to live with.

I am sending strength and courage to the family & loved ones of this child and hope those who have some responsibility are prosecuted harshly.

Vancouver area teen kills herself after posting youtube video about her being bullied

Family pictures & Thanksgiving

Since James died, I am a strong believer in family pictures/portraits.  We were never able to have pictures taken of James, no foot prints, hand prints, nothing tangible except his ultrasound pictures and our memories.  As a result, I have adopted the position that you can never take for granted that you will have the opportunity to take pictures tomorrow.  Since that time, we have had family portraits taken annually.

As I searched for a photographer, I had many expectations.  I also received many recommendations and after some research I found someone, not who's pictures impressed me the most, but who gives back to the community through NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep), photography of babies who have died.  I contacted her immediately.  Here I was looking to capture a moment in my children's lives so I never have to regret not having them & here I stumbled onto someone who gives the most incredible gift during the worst possible moments in parents lives.  I spoke with her that same day & expressed my gratitude, my admiration and our story.

As the days lead up to the photo shoot, I was emotional, sad, weepy, more then the usual.  This year I felt the magnitude of the void that would be in the pictures more then I expected.  Invisible spaces where James should be, smiling, squirming, making faces and tag teaming with his older brother to get out of the confines of the poses they were being asked to hold.  Silly faces, noisy fun and smiles, all the things that I miss so much.

The day after the shoot we celebrated Canadian thanksgiving with very close & special family.  This year we all shared what we were thankful for.  It certainly felt strange to have anything to be thankful for, but I was, thankful for my boys, thankful for our family, thankful for the boys being healthy.  The ability to be thankful has returned but the void, the heartache will never be gone.  So while others proclaimed their thanks, I whispered I miss you.

We are now waiting impatiently for our proofs & I'm hoping for a shadow, smudge or twinkle that tells me you were there.

Missing you angel.  xoxo Mommy

The Moments You Live for After Losing a Child | Still Standing Magazine

Read the headline & was immediately drawn to reading the article.  Read the article & felt it resonate then thought of many of the mamas whose blogs I follow & wondered if it might resonate with them too.

The Moments You Live for After Losing a Child | Still Standing Magazine

Static of words

Funny how time seems to just slip away.  Seems like just yesterday we were waiting for our rainbow & poof he was here, the summer has all but gone and Jev has had another birthday.  Woven throughout have been moments of joy, doubts, fear, pain, love.  I've thought about posting often, gotten a few posts out, but mostly written my blog in my mind. 

I have followed other blogs closely & felt the roller coaster of emotions.  Felt somewhat inadequate in my ability to express my own feelings.  My mind seems disorganized, jumping from one thought, emotion to the other & when I try and write it down, it just doesn't seems to make sense, like I'm missing the most important things through the static of words in my head. 

So bare with me as I try again.  The chain that holds James' locket broke, in my hurry to get something done for Ewan I caught it with my finger and felt it break away.  I was devastated.  I told myself it's only a chain and looked to gather the link that had opened to bring to the jeweller to repair.  I didn't tell my husband, I didn't tell any friends, I broke the chain & felt like I had committed some sort of crime but worse now couldn't be close to James until it was repaired.  No one noticed that I wasn't wearing him, this chain & locket that I have been wearing for the better part of 2 years without exception.  i am dissapointed but not surprised.  My son's memory lives only in the hearts & minds of those whom he has touched most and some days it feels like that is mine & mine alone.  I have since confessed it to my husband who was amazing & I confess here to you that it's still not fixed but a work in progress. Mostly miss having James near to my heart.

1 year, 9 months into this journey the pain seems softer and fewer and far between but it is still there.  I find I look into Ewan's face, who is always smiling back at me, and have flashes of James.  After the flashes, I see my baby's face almost with light behind it and can't help but cry.  My tears are mostly love & gratitude but also fear that it will be fleeting and longing to have seen James smile.  The pain has softened but is still there.

Jev had his 3rd birthday & I struggled this year with how to plan his party.  Things have been rather hectic with Ewan's arrival & money has been tight with maternity leave.  We decided to make it a few smaller celebrations filled with family & in the places he loves most.  One of his favourite things right now are balloons, so we filled our front hallway with balloons & later had some helium balloons too.  When the festivities were over and balloons were getting ready to be popped, he asked if we could send the floating ones to the sky, to James.  There are few things more meaningful then watching our living children play together but knowing that Jev continues to think of James even though he isn't here with us both warms & hurts the heart.  He is just so special, a miracle unto himself that I'm not sure I would have fully recognzied if it wasn't for James' life.

Finally I got to spend time with the first person I met who also lost a child after losing James. Her daughter was born & grew wings 8 days before James.  There a few people who I have met that I just feel a connection to, she is one of them & she has breathed purpose back into my heart and inspired me to try and come back to blogging.  I don't see her often but when I do I feel as close to normal and grounded as it gets.  I guess even after all this time, I am still pretending to live a world as if I don't have a huge hole in my heart.  It's only when I am surrounded by others living with this same hole that I feel whole again. 

Feeling your warmth in my heart this morning angel.  xoxo Mommy

Day of Hope

Remembering James everyday.  Thanks to Carley Marie for creating this day of hope.

xoxo Mommy