Seems my subconscious is working overtime. I've had the craziest of dreams - from friends losing their babies to being in the middle of Columbine mass murder & having to protect Jeven. I wake up almost exhausted from the various tragedies that play out in my dreams - sometimes they even haunt me the next day.
Things are still so early & yet I feel need to fast forward to the end & know how things turn out. I told myself that I would cherish every moment but each cherished moment is also drenched in fear of not getting to the next cherished moment. Oy - double edged sword I guess.
Was moved to tears today - the rushes of raw emotion come less frequently these days, so I am always caught off guard when they do. Mostly I feel damaged, seeing the world so differently then almost everyone I know. This afternoon I felt pure grief again & transported back - back to the beginning.
No telling what my dreams will be like tonight but I hope my tortured subconscious will be gentle on me tonight.
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Last week someone asked me for the first time about my cremation lockette. I had convinced myself that no one would, since it's been close to 7 months since I've had it. I was momentarily paralized, I have thought many times how I would answer if questioned & then there it was & like all the other firsts I froze.
The setting was awkward, across the table in a work meeting that was about to begin & being chaired by myself. It seemed like when the question was asked the whole room fell into a hush & the way it was asked took me by surprise; "What is that?" as she motioned clearly to my neclace & pendent. I panicked a bit, I think I may have even stuttered at first, a million thing rushing through my mind - what do I say? how should I answer? do I want to share this with all these people? Is it professional? - then my answer; "It's a pendant".
I've been somewhat tormented since, thought about approaching the person when I see her next and telling the truth & rationale for not sharing. Then I think about something that was talked about in group, that's it's our choice to share our story, not everyone has the right to know & that we can choose. I also think about the inside voice in my head & heart that screams the truth everytime I'm in one of these situations & feel a little prick of hope that James hears my heart louder then my head anyway.
More baby dreams last night, not as clear but clearly baby dreams. Sigh.
Missing you angel all the time & hoping you are near. Love Mommy xoxoxoxxo
The setting was awkward, across the table in a work meeting that was about to begin & being chaired by myself. It seemed like when the question was asked the whole room fell into a hush & the way it was asked took me by surprise; "What is that?" as she motioned clearly to my neclace & pendent. I panicked a bit, I think I may have even stuttered at first, a million thing rushing through my mind - what do I say? how should I answer? do I want to share this with all these people? Is it professional? - then my answer; "It's a pendant".
I've been somewhat tormented since, thought about approaching the person when I see her next and telling the truth & rationale for not sharing. Then I think about something that was talked about in group, that's it's our choice to share our story, not everyone has the right to know & that we can choose. I also think about the inside voice in my head & heart that screams the truth everytime I'm in one of these situations & feel a little prick of hope that James hears my heart louder then my head anyway.
More baby dreams last night, not as clear but clearly baby dreams. Sigh.
Missing you angel all the time & hoping you are near. Love Mommy xoxoxoxxo
Monday, 19 September 2011
2 lines
On Saturday there were 2 lines in stead of 1. I was surprised - I spent the last month fully convinced it wasn't going to happen. I am very excited & frightened to death all at the same time. Now let me take a moment to acknowledge how early & premature any planning or expectations are but I feel James' essence in this news.
I had a dream last night, I was giving birth at the hospital & the next thing I know I am home with no memory of what happened next. My parents tell me I delivered a baby girl, I still have no recollection although in my dream I try desperately to remember. Mike is no where to be found & my dream continues & eventually ends without me seeing my child. I think, as I reflect on things that this is my anxiety talking & I know there will be much more to come.
I have also decided to take a class with Mike to devote some time to nurturing our relationship, it has come a very long way & we have re-connected in the last few months since James' should have been delivery date. I just want do my part to make sure we stay that way. The kicker is that these classes (Ballroom dancing - yay!) fall on the same nights as the bereavement group. I have felt it missing (I missed last class) but I remind myself that as much as I need the release, I have some strong relationships, my blog & I can always return when it's over. I know I can reach out if I need it - just come to look forward to my safe place in the group. I have felt valued, understood, safe & helpful to others there. I have been reassured I've come a long way & have further to go. I have made friends & felt love there. I will miss it - for now.
Feeling you near James & hoping you will hold Mommy's hand through the scary times ahead.
xoxoxo
I had a dream last night, I was giving birth at the hospital & the next thing I know I am home with no memory of what happened next. My parents tell me I delivered a baby girl, I still have no recollection although in my dream I try desperately to remember. Mike is no where to be found & my dream continues & eventually ends without me seeing my child. I think, as I reflect on things that this is my anxiety talking & I know there will be much more to come.
I have also decided to take a class with Mike to devote some time to nurturing our relationship, it has come a very long way & we have re-connected in the last few months since James' should have been delivery date. I just want do my part to make sure we stay that way. The kicker is that these classes (Ballroom dancing - yay!) fall on the same nights as the bereavement group. I have felt it missing (I missed last class) but I remind myself that as much as I need the release, I have some strong relationships, my blog & I can always return when it's over. I know I can reach out if I need it - just come to look forward to my safe place in the group. I have felt valued, understood, safe & helpful to others there. I have been reassured I've come a long way & have further to go. I have made friends & felt love there. I will miss it - for now.
Feeling you near James & hoping you will hold Mommy's hand through the scary times ahead.
xoxoxo
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
A cynic
When did I become so cynical? I find that I don't believe in anything, unless proven otherwise, especially if there is an element of chance. I don't remember being this way. It's changed the way I practice at work, others have even pointed it out.
Especially things I want most - I just find I am cynic - believe it'll likely not happen before I ever allow myself to believe it will. Not interested in any more disappointments I guess.
Recently I've seen my share of pep talks - none of which are directed my way but all of which have bothered the heck out of me. I guess I find them purposeless, maybe even a bit deceiving. Lord knows I'm not in the mood for any words of encouragement - I am frustrated & cynical and want to be allowed to be this way b/c this is how I feel.
It's not socially acceptable to be openly grief stricken all the time, it's not acceptable to be angry, cynical, frustrated. There only seems to be room for upbeat naivete, well sorry that girl is gone & I'm not in the mood to be anyone that I'm not right now.
I'm sure that pendulum will swing back - maybe my optimism or at least realism will return.
Remembering moments with you although brief all day to today angel. Always in my heart - Love Mommy xoxoxox
Especially things I want most - I just find I am cynic - believe it'll likely not happen before I ever allow myself to believe it will. Not interested in any more disappointments I guess.
Recently I've seen my share of pep talks - none of which are directed my way but all of which have bothered the heck out of me. I guess I find them purposeless, maybe even a bit deceiving. Lord knows I'm not in the mood for any words of encouragement - I am frustrated & cynical and want to be allowed to be this way b/c this is how I feel.
It's not socially acceptable to be openly grief stricken all the time, it's not acceptable to be angry, cynical, frustrated. There only seems to be room for upbeat naivete, well sorry that girl is gone & I'm not in the mood to be anyone that I'm not right now.
I'm sure that pendulum will swing back - maybe my optimism or at least realism will return.
Remembering moments with you although brief all day to today angel. Always in my heart - Love Mommy xoxoxox
Saturday, 10 September 2011
What a day - you know it's rough when you have 2 entries in one day...
Today was a day of celebration for a first cousin of mine -a bridal shower. I have thought back to those days, when things were idealistic, bright for the future & romantic. How I wish I could still live in the innocence of those days. I am thrilled for her but can't help but wonder what life will hold for her. Lord knows this would never have seemed possible to me back then.
From the moment I got out of bed, all odds seemed stocked against me - nothing I did seemed to end in anything but disaster. I finally made it to the shower but I knew then that I could only barely put on a happy face, today was foggy day with my grief very close to the surface. I managed to hold the heavy grief in but found it hard to muster a smile at all times. I'm sure people wondered "what's wrong with her?".
I was asked the how many children question but my grandmother - who doesn't know anything about James b/c of her age & not wanting to cause her any pain was right there & I didn't want to try my pilot reply with her there. So I said out loud - 1 child & in my mind & heart said - here on earth & one in heaven.
I'm tired, frustrated & sad tonight. No celebration will ever be the same - sigh.
Heavy hearted without you tonight angel. xoxoxox Mommy
Today was a day of celebration for a first cousin of mine -a bridal shower. I have thought back to those days, when things were idealistic, bright for the future & romantic. How I wish I could still live in the innocence of those days. I am thrilled for her but can't help but wonder what life will hold for her. Lord knows this would never have seemed possible to me back then.
From the moment I got out of bed, all odds seemed stocked against me - nothing I did seemed to end in anything but disaster. I finally made it to the shower but I knew then that I could only barely put on a happy face, today was foggy day with my grief very close to the surface. I managed to hold the heavy grief in but found it hard to muster a smile at all times. I'm sure people wondered "what's wrong with her?".
I was asked the how many children question but my grandmother - who doesn't know anything about James b/c of her age & not wanting to cause her any pain was right there & I didn't want to try my pilot reply with her there. So I said out loud - 1 child & in my mind & heart said - here on earth & one in heaven.
I'm tired, frustrated & sad tonight. No celebration will ever be the same - sigh.
Heavy hearted without you tonight angel. xoxoxox Mommy
Seems everywhere we go there is a child, or a character or some reference to the name James. Each time I hear the word I feel a little prick in my chest, a slight inhale & then a wish that things were different. I have found that all I can do is accept b/c what are my alternatives - run away, go cry, be angry? I want to do all the above, but mostly it's just not reality & no way to live.
Somewhere deep inside I am hopeful that the recent bombarding of James is my angel sending us little signs to let us know he's with us. It seems that the increase in "James" encounters really ramped up around Jev's birthday & has continued while we were away on vacation. I know I thought often of him & wondered about what things would be like if he were still with us. Isn't this the every day thought of the parent who's child has died?
Jev has also made the leap from crib to toddler bed. One more departure from his baby days & one more reminder that our baby is missing. I have also given much thought to how I wish to answer the ongoing questions about how many children we have. I haven't landed yet exactly but I think I'm going to try and answer 2 & if questioned just try and be honest. I'm sure there will be a few shocked people but I'm starting to lose my care for others discomfort in what is my reality.
We have also decided that we are ready to try again. There I've said it - I have felt like I am carrying a horrible secret, mostly b/c I'm afraid of all the possibilities. I think I'm going to try and be open about this in the hopes that by being able to vent and not hide that my anxieties will be lessened. I'd be open to any pearls of wisdom on this one b/c I am also aware that by having access to vent, I could escalate my anxieties rather then soothe them...
Missing you constantly my angel xoxoxoxxoxo Mommy
Somewhere deep inside I am hopeful that the recent bombarding of James is my angel sending us little signs to let us know he's with us. It seems that the increase in "James" encounters really ramped up around Jev's birthday & has continued while we were away on vacation. I know I thought often of him & wondered about what things would be like if he were still with us. Isn't this the every day thought of the parent who's child has died?
Jev has also made the leap from crib to toddler bed. One more departure from his baby days & one more reminder that our baby is missing. I have also given much thought to how I wish to answer the ongoing questions about how many children we have. I haven't landed yet exactly but I think I'm going to try and answer 2 & if questioned just try and be honest. I'm sure there will be a few shocked people but I'm starting to lose my care for others discomfort in what is my reality.
We have also decided that we are ready to try again. There I've said it - I have felt like I am carrying a horrible secret, mostly b/c I'm afraid of all the possibilities. I think I'm going to try and be open about this in the hopes that by being able to vent and not hide that my anxieties will be lessened. I'd be open to any pearls of wisdom on this one b/c I am also aware that by having access to vent, I could escalate my anxieties rather then soothe them...
Missing you constantly my angel xoxoxoxxoxo Mommy
Friday, 2 September 2011
What a difference 1 year can make. Yesterday was Jev's 2nd birthday & although it was a wonderfully special day, i couldn't help but thinking about how different everything felt from last year. I was so naive last year, unprepared for what was to come.
Here's a picture of the birthday boy chowing down on pizza:
Here's a picture of the two of us:
Our day started with a special trip to the play park where I watched my little big boy play, run, scream with joy. I watched him watching other sibling pairs & try and join in. I felt my heart break, knowing his brother should be here with us & be able to have the sibling banter that he was trying to imitate. I had watched Jev playing with an imaginary friend the week before, speaking to someone, offering them a plate as he played in his play house in the backyard. I remember feeling heavy & wishing he didn't have to pretend. Now it occurs to me as I write this that maybe it wasn't pretend, maybe he was playing with his brother. I've heard that kids are much more sensitive to spirits. How I hope this is the case.
I realized yesterday that with every moment of celebration there was the feeling that something was missing, make that someone.
My gratitude for Jev is also laced with a growing void for where James ought to be. How terrible I remember thinking that even the celebrations are clouded with grieving. I know the "firsts" are always the hardest, but I am still bothered by how the grief creeps in - especially in the happy moments.
My fear has also ramped up recently, i find myself putting Jev to sleep for the night & taking a physical and mental pictures b/c I am afraid he might not wake the next morning. Every morning, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear him & take an extra second to hold him b/c I am never sure I'll have the chance again. What a terrible way to live.
My earth angel is 2 & I am so very lucky to have him with us. He is the joy in my life & for that, especially after losing James being afraid of losing him is normal I'm sure.
James, we kept a cupcake for you angel. We miss you constantly.
xoxoxo Mommy
Here's a picture of the birthday boy chowing down on pizza:
Here's a picture of the two of us:
Our day started with a special trip to the play park where I watched my little big boy play, run, scream with joy. I watched him watching other sibling pairs & try and join in. I felt my heart break, knowing his brother should be here with us & be able to have the sibling banter that he was trying to imitate. I had watched Jev playing with an imaginary friend the week before, speaking to someone, offering them a plate as he played in his play house in the backyard. I remember feeling heavy & wishing he didn't have to pretend. Now it occurs to me as I write this that maybe it wasn't pretend, maybe he was playing with his brother. I've heard that kids are much more sensitive to spirits. How I hope this is the case.
I realized yesterday that with every moment of celebration there was the feeling that something was missing, make that someone.
My gratitude for Jev is also laced with a growing void for where James ought to be. How terrible I remember thinking that even the celebrations are clouded with grieving. I know the "firsts" are always the hardest, but I am still bothered by how the grief creeps in - especially in the happy moments.
My fear has also ramped up recently, i find myself putting Jev to sleep for the night & taking a physical and mental pictures b/c I am afraid he might not wake the next morning. Every morning, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear him & take an extra second to hold him b/c I am never sure I'll have the chance again. What a terrible way to live.
My earth angel is 2 & I am so very lucky to have him with us. He is the joy in my life & for that, especially after losing James being afraid of losing him is normal I'm sure.
James, we kept a cupcake for you angel. We miss you constantly.
xoxoxo Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)